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Saturday, March 5, 2011

THE EMOTIONAL AFFAIR AND ABUSE

One of the lesser known symptoms of abuse and perhaps the most interesting is The Emotional Affair.  

Many women who are in abusive marriages are often carrying on with an emotional affair either with or without their abuser's knowledge.  Of course, when the divorce breaks out it is easy for the abused woman to feel guilty for having that emotional affair and for the abuser to feel justified in his abuse because it.  

So, what is an emotional affair? An emotional affair occurs when a married woman invests a substantial amount of emotional energy on a relationship outside of her marriage and obtains emotional support and companionship from that relationship.  Although the relationship is a platonic one on the surface, there is a lot of sexual tension and flirting going on, as well as the exchange of intimate and personal information that would ordinarily only be shared with a spouse.  

Many of these emotional affairs take place on the internet because it is such a freewheeling place to connect and disconnect and it is daily getting to be more so.  

Many women in abusive relationships with their spouses deal with substantial emotional and physical pain on a daily basis.  These women are essentially held prisoner within that relationship.  So what is their only escape?  Through fantasy!  

That fantasy can be that one day they'll hit the big time and win the lottery, or that they will have a major career breakthrough, perhaps getting that big role as an actress, or something like that.  Sometimes it can be a dream of traveling around the world or moving to California, somewhere far away from the abusive situation.  

Or else it can be finding some place in their lives, some place in their minds where their abusers can't get a foothold, and that would be within the context of emotional relationships.  Within a daydream space with a daydream lover who will be a sympathetic listener, the abused woman finds her ideal escape.  

And the good thing about it is that an emotional affair can be conducted anytime and anywhere.  It can happen when you catch a few minutes to text your emotional lover on the phone, when you locate common grounds in a chat room, or post on each others' facebook page.  Literally, you don't ever have to leave the house to keep it going.  You may never even kiss, you may never share passionate embraces, but the intensity and the pleasure of the relationship can outstrip that of any real relationship because it exists within the realm of the imagination, and it stands as this extraordinary object of beauty when compared to the drab and ugly daily lives of women struggling with abuse.  

The problem with these kinds of relationships are that within them an abused woman exposes herself doubly to ongoing abuse, the ongoing abuse from the abusive spouse, and the ongoing abuse of the man with whom she is conducting the emotional affair.  In the first instance, when a woman is completely distracted by an emotional affair, she may not notice what she needs to do to protect herself, or notice that her abuser continues to increase the level of his abuse.

In the second instance, any man who, platonically or not, involves himself with a married woman online or otherwise is essentially emotionally raping and exploiting that woman, encouraging her to share intimacies to which he is by no means entitled and using the access he has to feed his own narcissism.  

Unfortunately, so many abused women are in such pain that they are unable to recognize this danger.  But if you are one of these women, think about it.  Is it in the least normal to pour out your heart and soul to a person you only meet on paper or online, a person who may only be sharing with you a very edited version of who he is, and there is probably no way to verify that anything he says is real?  

Men who suck women into these kinds of relationships are fundamentally criminal, so if you are involved with such a man, run away as fast as you can.   

7 comments:

  1. The person who wrote this read my story out loud. I attached to anyone who would give me any attention or possibly "rescue" me from my situation. These outside emotional relationships are NOT RIGHT by any means and they do, in fact, distract from what is actually going on in front of your face. I, fortunately, did get out of an abusive situation. To any woman who is facing this right now...please please detatch your heart from the other man, look at your situation, try to get counseling and get out! You are walking down the road of an actual physical affair that could make your already abusive relationship much worse and cause more guilt and destruction than what you are prepared to deal with. Even though I don't know you, I understand what you are going through.

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  2. Yes, I totally share with you when it comes to what you are saying. I lived every word a wrote. The worst of it, once you realize how damaging your own behavior has been, is to see how exploitative the other man was and how much he satisfied his own ego at the expense of your own wellbeing and that of your children. It can become a life long, ugly, scar.

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  3. I wrote the reponse above you, Cathy. I'm Missi! You're right about the scars. I know I need to forgive myself for what I did, but I am having the worst time with it. The truth is my ex husband was never going to change, but I should have left before the "madness" in my heart began. My emotional infidelity was never about anything physical. I was not interested in anyone physically, it was all in my mind...like you said, fantasy. It was like I started to panic. I wanted love and attention so badly I was going to great lengths to get it without even realizing what I was doing at first. Even after my marriage came to an abrupt end because of more violence, I begged my ex husband's forgiveness. He was aware of everything I was doing. Deep down, I just wanted him to come to me and say "Missi, I love you and I want to be with you. I am going to stop drinking and get help. Please stop with these "friends" and lets fix this together." At some level, I wished for him to say this every day, but he didn't. Shortly before our marraige ended, I realized what I was doing and how I was headed toward physical affairs. I stopped dead in my tracks and started to fix my own heart. But, after the last violent incident, I had no choice but to file for divorce. I have recently started a relationship with the most wonderful man. But, I have this underlying fear that I am just a cheating slut and I don't deserve him. Did you ever feel like that?

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    1. I needed to read your words today. I have such compassion for your story, as it is my own. yet it is still so hard to forgive myself as my now ex justifies his abuse as warrented and normal for "hore" such as myself and I remember at the peak of the escalating of terrorisim that finally precipitated a restraining order and separation, he said to me, "some day our children will know you for the incompetent tramp that you are and I will be the one to tell them."

      The escalation was because he was loosing control over me as I resisted. I credited my then emotional affair partners (there were two) for helping me see my value and begin to stand up... but there is another truth I see two years later. I didn't know what to do and was drowning in an alcoholic and both psychologically and emotionally abusive marriage.

      my dropped match set it all aflame.

      and still I feel regret and shame that is so easy for my ex to feed upon as he does what damage through texting as he is not legally allowed to call.

      he exists in my mind still as someone who reminds me I deserve nothing good in life, and that some day he will "make me pay".

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  4. I can share with all those feelings of upset and guilt which I felt at the time before I knew of what my ex husband had been up to. But feel like a slut, never. The abuser was a complete scumbag who knew exactly what he was doing, who calculated every step he took, who destroyed my happiness and that of my children all for money which he was obsessed with. I don't have one moment of feeling like a slut, one moment of needing to look back. My abuser will one day bear the brunt of what he has done when he realizes that money can never replace the love of your family. It will take time, but he will see it one day. Meanwhile, I know better how to recognize this symptom of abuse and deal with it should it occur again.

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  5. My ex husband is an extremely hurt individual who abuses himself and others out of his own pain. He told me that he's always dealt with violent tendencies with his anger (wish I would have known that before I married him. Can't say I wouldn't have married him anyway...sad, I know.) and the alcohol just fueled it. As much as I begged while married to him, he would not stop drinking. I think he knew he was destroying our relationship and my heart in the process, but he couldn't pull himself out and I certainly couldn't pull him out; trust me, I tried. I wish I could say he is a calculating scumbag, but I can't. I soooooo need Al-Anon! lol I was one of the worst enabling wives that ever lived! I made his life so easy and opened the door for him to drink and get away with it. Did you ever feel like you had to hide what you went through for fear that the one person you don't want to leave your life will run like hell if they knew everything? Thanks for letting me vent on here, this week has been emotional hell for me.

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  6. I was glad to find this post... It seems like there is so much available to read about abusive situations or ending emotional affairs. I'm in an emotional affair because of the abuse I endure at home. My husband is a mean binge drinking alcoholic and I've stayed so long bc I don't want to hurt my two kids... though I'm hurting them more by staying. I do see a difference in my situation though bc my emotional affair is with a long-time crush that I've known for 30 years. I don't think he's taking advantage of the situation or feeding his ego. And we aren't having sexual conversation... though having him as a confidant is inappropriate enough. The biggest trouble I'm having is that I was so ready to leave my abuser... but the guilt about the emotional affair is making me slide backwards. I don't want to end the emails bc it's, quite frankly, the only thing keeping me sane at times... but I feel if I don't - the guilt will keep me in this horrible marriage. And/or I'll lose my "friend" just due to keeping him in roller coaster of not knowing.

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