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Showing posts with label JOKES. Show all posts
Showing posts with label JOKES. Show all posts

Friday, February 27, 2015


One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"


Visiting New York City for a medical convention, a doctor from the University of Utah took the afternoon off to do some shopping.  Wandering into a little antiques store, he came across a curious brass sculpture of a rat and inquired as to the price.
"I have to tell you the truth," said the proprietor, "I've sold that piece twice and it's been returned twice--so I'll let you have it for four hundred dollars.  It's very old."
The doctor paid and headed out with his purchase in a bag under his arm.  Not much later, he noticed the shadowy forms of hundreds of live rats scuttling along in the gutters.  A little while later, the rats had swelled in number to several thousand and it became evident they were following the doctor.  His astonishment turned to disgust and alarm as the rat pack grew to fill up the whole street, so he picked up speed and headed east.  When he reached the river, he chucked the brass rat right in, and to his considerable relief, the horde of rats followed it to a watery death.
The next morning, the doctor was the very first customer in the antique store.
"No way, buddy, I'm not taking it back a third time!" protested the owner.
"Relax, I'm not bringing the rat back." soothed the doctor, "I just wanted to you have a brass lawyer?" 

Sunday, February 22, 2015


A snake had the misfortune to be blind, and although he managed to forage successfully, he was very lonely.  So he was delighted to make the acquaintance of a little mole--which was very nearly blind as such creatures are -- who offered to be his friend.
They got together almost every day, and finally the snake mustered up his courage to ask the mole a question.  "We have become dear  friends, and yet I have no idea what you look like"  he pointed out.  "Would you mind if I coiled myself around you very gently so I could get an image of you?"
"Not at all." replied the mole graciously, and soon found himself in the center of a mountain of snake.
"Why, you are soft and furry, with a pointy little nose surrounded by bristly whiskers!  Could it be that you are a mole?" hissed the snake.
"I am, indeed." answered the mole.  "And you--you are cold and slimy and are covered with scales and have no balls."
"Sssssshit!" hissed the snake, "I must be a lawyer."

Tuesday, February 25, 2014


It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him.

"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."

"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"

"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."

"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"

"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."

"What are you talking about?"

"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."

"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."

"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"

"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."

"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?'

Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.'

Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?'

Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'

Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "

"Why are you reading that to me?"

"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady came in the other day limping ..."

"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."

"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."

"Then get me another doctor."

"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice."

"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court."

"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone."

"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him."

"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' "

"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?"

"I better check you out first."

"Don't check me out, just give the dope."

"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"

"What for?"

"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."

"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?"


A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

 A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

 A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

 A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

 A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

 A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

 A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

 A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Monday, July 22, 2013


An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. St. Peter checked his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reported to the gates of hell and entered.
Pretty soon, the engineer became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, hell had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators.
The engineer became a very popular fellow.
Later, God called Satan on the telephone and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey [or perhaps he said, "Hell"], things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replied in surprise: "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan retorted, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God said, "Yes, way. Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughed uproariously and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are You going to get a lawyer?"

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Sunday, July 29, 2012


A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in Texas.  He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence.  

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.  The litigator responded, "I shot a duck.  It fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."  

The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."  

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."  

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas.  We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."  

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"  

The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."  

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.  He agreed to abide by local custom.  

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.  His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face.  The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot!  Now it's my turn!"  

The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up.  You can have the duck."

Friday, July 6, 2012


A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country where he retreated for several weeks every year.

Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two at this home, which happened to be in a backwoods.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off of the lawyer, agreed.

They had a splendid time in the country -- rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears -- a large male and a smaller female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears and sensing danger, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, however, being ignorant of nature, was not so lucky. The male bear charged the paralyzed Czechoslovakian, then swallowed him whole.

Terrified, the lawyer rushed back to his car and sped into town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff, upon hearing the lawyer's unsettling story, grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer following closely behind. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!", cried the lawyer, pointing to the large male bear, all the while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family flashed through the back of his mind.

He just had to save his friend!

The sheriff looked at the two bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his rifle, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"What did you do that for!", exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other one!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"

Monday, July 2, 2012


     A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road.
     Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road.  
     (At this point, some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans.  Obviously, he saw the trail of slime they left!)  
     One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking.  He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.  
     He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
     "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road." replied the priest.  
     "No problem, Father!  I'll give you a lift.  Climb in the truck."  
     The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.  
     Suddenly the truck driver saw another lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.  But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him so, at the last minute, he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer.  
     However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".  
     Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that lawyer."  
     "That's okay", replied the priest.  "I got him with the door!"

Friday, April 13, 2012


A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.  As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus. 

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.  Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. 

His lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. 

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.  "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "you are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. 

The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down?  It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." 

"My God!" screamed the lawyer, "Where is my Rolex?"

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmotherly elderly woman. 

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" 

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.  I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.  You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.  You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.  Yes, I know you." 

The lawyer was stunned. 

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" 

She again relied, "Why yes, I do.  I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.  He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem.  He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.  Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife.  Yes, I know him." 

The defense attorney almost died! 

At that point, the judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

Sunday, March 18, 2012


Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.  The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree which provided them with food. 

Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.  One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes!  I don't believe that this is true!  There's a beautiful, naked blonde woman floating our way!" 

The lawyer on the ground was skeptical.  "You're hallucinating." he said, "You better get down from there right now." 

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and began describing the beautiful naked blonde floating face up and headed toward their island.  The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. 

But, sure enough, within a few minutes up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.  The two lawyers dragged the young lady out of the surf, still unconscious, and stood over her admiring her beauty. 

"You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman," the first lawyer said.  "It's been a long you think we should, you know, screw her?" 

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"