PLEASE NOTE: This blog is a bigotry free zone open to all persons, regardless of age, race, religion, color, national origin, sex, political affiliations, marital status, physical or mental disability, age, or sexual orientation. Further, this blog is open to the broad variety of opinions out there and will not delete any comments based upon point of view. However, comments will be deleted if they are worded in an abusive manner and show disrespect for the intellectual process.
Showing posts with label SUPPORT SYSTEMS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SUPPORT SYSTEMS. Show all posts

Friday, July 21, 2017

WHAT HAPPENED TO EVERYONE? HOW ABUSED WOMEN IN A DIVORCE END UP ISOLATED AND ALONE!

Three or four months into what I now routinely call "the divorce from hell" I woke up and said, "What happened to Everyone!!!" I mean, what happened to my family, my friends, and all the other people I used to know, because suddenly they weren't there any more. 

Saturday, February 12, 2011

MAN UP FOR MOMS! ENLIGHTENED MEN RISE TO THE OCCASION!

Here is a great, new opportunity for men who support Protective Moms in their fight for justice.  Protective Mother's Alliance now has a new branch for men.  PMA describes it as follows:


M.U.M 's mission is for enlightened men to raise the awareness of all men and society as a whole, to the value of motherhood. M.U.M strives to educate society about DV , family court corruption/ abuse and issues of pedophilia. M.U.M works in collaboration with mothers and protective mothers to educate, reform and illuminate issues of family court abuse and corruption towards women and children.  MAN UP FOR MOMS is a PMA INTL. network group for men. M.U.M is a network for all men who support women, mothers, and their issues. M.U.M Men stand strong in support of mothers and children in family court, along with taking a strong stand against family court abuse and corruption, domestic violence against women and children, sexual abuse and pedophilia. Man Up for moms believes that it takes a REAL man to support his ex wife in every way, as the mother of his children after a divorce. M.U.M men believe in the value of motherhood, the importance of mothers in children's lives and strives to raise awareness throughout society, that women and mothers need to be respected and cherished.  


Check it out at:  https://www.facebook.com/pages/Protective-Mothers-Alliance-Intls-Man-Up-for-Moms/151223484931466?v=wall

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

IT'S ALL ABOUT WHO YOU KNOW

If there is one thing I have lived to regret over the past few years, it is the fact that I was always too busy to talk to people. And why was I too busy to talk to people? Because my ex always had something for me to do!

If he came into the house and I was talking to a friend on the phone, he'd have a fit because I was paying more attention to my friend than I was to him. The end result was that, although people knew me well enough to wave at me across a crowded room, or quickly say "hi" just before we walked into our child's classroom for open house, I rarely had a chance for a heart to heart.

The end result was that when I filed for divorce and had all those problems, there was no one who could support me well or say too much about me because no one knew me that much. And of course, if my ex husband were writing this he'd say, "that was the plan!"

Knowing people is everything. If you don't know people, you are nowhere, particularly during a divorce.

What you need are people around you who are going to go one extra inch, or one extra foot, or, maybe, one extra mile, because they like you and they want to help out. When people are your friend and they trust you, they will pretty much do anything for you. But when you walk in cold and ask people to assist you who have never seen you before in their lives, even if what you are asking for is perfectly reasonable, they often won't do it for you, and they might not just give you a simple "no", they will grill you and put you down on the way to "no," and they will give you a "no" even though there is no reason at all to give you one.

There are some people who will surprise you and really help you out for no darned reason at all other than that they are great human beings, but folks like that are few and far between.

Why is this so? It's because this is a scary world, for real, honestly, and there are shark lawyers everywhere trying to stir up business and take a bite out of folks and so everyone is hard at work covering their asses.


Don't just say to yourself, oh, well, when I file for divorce, then I'll have time to build up my contact list. No, no, no, no, by then it is much too late. You can't just march in to someone who has known you for a week, is aware that you are in a difficult divorce and say, "Could you write me a letter stating..." No, no, no, no. In those circumstances, folks will show you the door mighty quick, before you can even see the smoke from their asses! Yes, ok, I'm in a rear end mood today. That's what this topic does to me.

As soon as you possibly can, way before the divorce, and definitely as soon as you file for divorce, make sure you have a therapist such as a psychologist or a psychiatrist who would be capable of testifying in court on your behalf if necessary--remember to carefully inquire about this as a just in case. Make sure you see this therapist at minimum once a month so, in a pinch, he or she can state what a good person and a great Mom you are.

Also, cultivate the psychologist, social workers, and guidance counsellors at your childrens' schools. In addition, maintain a friendship with a minimum of two lawyers, one in family law, and another in estate law, and also maintain good relationships with a few tax accountants, a stockbroker, a real estate agent, an internal medicine doctor, an ob-gyn, since your physical health can become a major issue in a custody dispupte, and at least three of your neighbors, you friendly person you. Yes, and don't forget to have all their business cards in one of those business card holders and put it where your ex will never find it along with the money you don't want your ex to find (see older post entitled "Take the Money and run!")

No, I'm not saying plan on using people; I'm saying work with people properly so that they are ready to do what they ought to do as good citizens, but probably won't, unless you do the necessary homework. As the boy scout's motto goes, and I have every respect for the boy scouts, "Be Prepared!"

Sunday, September 26, 2010

LUNDY BANCROFT

For quite a few years prior to getting a divorce I was stunned and confused about what was happening and so upset that it was hard for me to articulate what was going on. What cleared my mind and helped me focus were books written by Mr. Lundy Bancroft of Massachusetts. The books that he has written are clear and to the point; they help you understand what you are going through and that you are not alone.

Lundy Bancroft is an author, a workshop leader and consultant on domestic abuse and child maltreatment. He has worked extensively with abusers over a substantial number of years so he has obtained his information directly from the source. The book he wrote that literally opened my eyes was "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." He has also written an excellent article with Professor Jay Silverman of the Harvard University School of Public Health entitled "The Batterer as Parent, addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics". I returned to this article frequently as I was going through the custody process and it helped me to express my concerns more effectively.

I have attended two retreats with Lundy Bancroft and he has a deep intelligence, sensitivity and awareness when it comes to interacting with people who have endured abusive spouses, and he is also very good at explaining what is going on and what you need to do in terms of relationships and self care in order to rebuild, heal, and survive. Some of that comes from the fact that, as a person, he is just very insightful and authentic. He is coming from a truly honest place within himself. Also, and this is a big point, I've kept in touch with other women who have attended his workshops and that has been very valuable to me.

It is important to be aware that Mr. Bancroft is very, very busy travelling and giving workshops, writing, and attempting to respond to all the many people, such as ourselves, who call in order to get personal advice from him. So you don't want to make frivolous demands on him, but he continues to write and produce good literature, and give talks to various groups whose understanding and support is vital to creating positive change in the field of domestic violence.

He is also conducting retreats on an ongoing basis and has a website www.lundybancroft.com where he keeps people informed of what is going on. He is quite invested in the Protective Mother's Alliance International, which he co directed and founded along with Ms. Janice Levinson. (I have a blog about that organization elsewhere on this blogsite, so definitely check it out and consider joining) So take advantage of those opportunities, check out Lundy Bancroft and the Protective Mother's Alliance as well and if you have anything more to add to what I've said, I'd love to hear from you in the comment section!

Saturday, September 18, 2010

PROTECTIVE MOTHER'S ALLIANCE

Another organization that is worth contacting and staying in touch with, and actually joining, is The Protective Mother's Alliance International. This is an organization which is cofounded and directed by Janice Levinson and Lundy Bancroft and can be found online at:


The Protective Mother's Alliance is an organization that works towards reforming the family court system on behalf of protective mothers and their children.

It does so by working on changing legislation, on educating the public and the media, and following through on whatever other approaches are effective.

Not only is it available to support protective mothers and assist them in keeping themselves and their children safe from abusers,it works on teaching those mothers to advocate for themselves as well as their children. The Alliance also works to stop abusers from getting custody of their children.

Finally, the Protective Mother's Alliance tries to prevent protective mothers from being labeled parental alienators when they try to protect their children from abuse, and it speaks out against the misuse of psychological tests which are often used to deny mothers custody. Even more important, the organization fights against the way in which protective mothers in family court are forced to spend excessive amounts of money on extensive litigation, etc.

So, check out their website. They recommend very interesting articles and books which may be useful to you in fighting your legal battle successfully, in learning to understand that others have also suffered very similar abuse, which is validating, and in sustaining your momentum emotionally. The more allies you have the better, and the Protective Mother's Alliance is your natural ally--trust me.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

12 STEP PROGRAMS AL-ANON

Still looking for sources of support? Try your local 12 step programs. Al-Anon is the auxiliary program to Alcoholics Anonymous and is intended for the family and friends of alcoholics. I mean, face it folks, an abusive ex husband is just the same as alcohol, pretty much a factor in your life that is causing major damage and is totally out of your control. What is it you have to admit when you walk into a 12 step program? My life has become unmanageable. It sure has, thanks to your ex husband!

I actually enjoy going to the real Alcoholics Anonymous program for the actual alcoholics because these people are a breath of fresh air. They laugh, they cry, they let it all hang out, and they have the most inspirational stories to tell. With family and friends, you have people who tend to have the life drained out of them by the pain and suffering they have endured. It isn't fair, but that's the way it is.

One of the advantages of a program like this is it gives you a focus for your spiritual life. You know that every day you have something to do to keep yourself going, i.e. get to a meeting, and there is a book or two with daily inspirational readings so you can get bits and pieces of a philosophy that will help you move through the disaster that is your life right now, one day and a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.

The program teaches you important lessons like how to establish boundaries, how to know when you are being manipulated, and how to know when you need to take responsibility and when you need to let go. It also teaches you how to become more self sufficient, how to appreciate yourself for the resources you have inside you, and how to take advantage of every moment.

You'll also have the opportunity to meet other folks who are struggling with life, who will appreciate what you are going through. You can collect some more telephone numbers and email addresses so that you can extend your lifeline of support.

Some downsides are, again, some folks in these programs are so down, there isn't much more down they can go, and that isn't useful. Also, if you have very little children who require babysitting, not all of the meetings have babysitting. Sometimes if there are enough children and no babysitter, they will do this thing of group members rotating out for babysitting every fifteen minutes, but that is a really dedicated action to take on the part of the members and not all groups will do it.

Try at least five meetings before you reject this program and remember, "It works if you work it!"

Sunday, September 12, 2010

CHURCHES AND ALL THAT LOVE ONE ANOTHER STUFF

Some of you, like me, have spent quite a bit of time in Church and so you think, well, isn't that where I should be able to get some support? After all, aren't those Christians supposed to love one another. What was that other line, "And you will know they are Christians by their love."

Well, ok, that was for when you were a fine, upstanding, not divorced member of the community contributing actual money to the Church. Unless you are a direct relative of one of the families that founded the Church and still run it now, don't expect to get any kind of help from a Church, particularly if you are divorcing an abusive ex husband who is especially charming to the deacons and the pastor who is most likely pretty half baked.

Love one another. What kind of baloney is that!

Ladies, I want to clue you into something that you should have always known but you will tell me now that you didn't know it. The Church is on the side of the guys, was always on the side of the guys and will always be on the side of the guys, forever and ever. Amen.

So, if you are in a situation where you haven't got enough money to pay for food and you can't afford gas to run the family car, don't go looking for the Church to help you fix that problem because they really couldn't care less. You are walking away from your hard working husband who has supported your lazy ass for years and you should be ashamed of yourself.

In fact, you should be amazed they even remember who you are, particularly if you haven't volunteered for something recently. I mean, I'll never forget the time I received a sympathy card from the Church after the death of my father and my father wasn't even dead, although superstitious as I am, I began to feel a little nervous that I might be getting some bad news soon.

I mean, please. Churches are the coldest places in the world, filled with some of the lyingest, meanest people you will ever meet. So, sure, look out for support, but don't look for it in a Church.

Friday, September 10, 2010

I CAN GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY NEW FRIENDS!

Ok, so I already said your friends would probably abandon you, or you would just let go of them because life is so awful right now. However, it is really important that you don't leave things there. Move forward to establish other sources of support for yourself, because you are going to have a long and uphill battle and you need as much help as you can get. For example, I've been in this situation for over four years and I don't anticipate that the situation is going to end any time soon.

Another source of support can be the people you meet at small therapy groups run by your local domestic violence shelters. Some of you have been physically abused, and many more of you are dealing with the consequences of economic and emotional abuse. Bond with other people who are going through exactly the same thing. Listen to the wisdom of the counselors and/or the other members of the group who can explain the nature of the abuse that you are going through so you can understand you are not at fault. Afterwards, you can keep in touch with group members by phone and by email and spend time talking and share with people who know exactly what you are talking about.

Of course, it isn't all sweetness and light at these places. After I was in a session with a new counselor in one of these groups, I called the old counselor and asked if the new counselor was a plant from a father's rights group. Trust me, weird stuff like that happens. Also, you can get folks in these groups whose situations are so tragic, you can just drown listening to the story.


To another extent, and this may only be my kind of problem, the counselor's in these groups are all about how do you feel. They aren't particularly angry about the injustice, they don't seem to have any practical advice for improving the situations you find yourself in, and they are kind of wishy washy.

But you know, heck, to be with other guys who can laugh and cry with you and sit there eating munchies and know that for once no one is judging you, it's worth it and it helps. So, give it a try.
 
For information on DV groups, please contact the Connecticut Coalition Against Domestic Violence at the link below: