Last week I had a friend who called me saying emergency, emergency and talked in detail about an upcoming court date. The court date happened and then there was silence. I didn't hear from her for several weeks until the next court date.
This is often how a high conflict divorce unfolds--there are weeks and weeks of monotony, interspersed by sudden bursts of confrontation that are intensely emotional and exhausting. If the confrontation ended well, then you feel really happy and high, but if the confrontation didn't end well, then you feel as though you want to die.
Everything that happens in this kind of lawsuit is couched around the concept of winning and losing, nothing is about compromising or coming up with win-win solutions. Often, it feels as if you have manic-depression because you either have really high highs or really low lows. With me, where I was losing most of the time, there were lots of low, lows and I had to learn how to withstand that.
Most high conflict divorces take up to two years or more, and sometimes go up to a decade, before they are resolved with costs of up to $300,000 or even more. What is interesting about these cases is that no one seems to count the cost--you might as the mother--but it seems that everyone else, the attorneys, the judges, your ex ignores the fact that by spending so much money they are mortgaging their childrens' futures, and the futures of the litigants. It is terribly tragic. When I brought the issue up in Court, the judge immediately shushed me up. It is like the dirty little secret everyone knows about, but no one is allowed to actually speak of it.
During the lulls in the litigation, between court appearances, which can last anywhere from a few weeks to months, there are usually motions hanging over your head which, if the other party wins them, could result in absolute disaster for you or for your children. This means that during those times, you have days during which time you can phantasize about all the terrible consequences that could occur should the opposing party win their motions. That kind of thinking can spread throughout your mind, grip onto your heart, eat away at your soul and turn your interior life into a pool of corrosive battery fluid.
The end result of that is by the time you get to court you start agreeing to anything just because you want some relief and then after you have done so, you end up being plagued with regret and self hatred for being so dumb.
A high conflict divorce is an emotional marathon and the person who will achieve the best results is the one who can hang on the longest. You can do this by centering yourself spiritually and pacing yourself better. Here are some ideas on how to do that:
1. Whenever you find yourself becoming upset, exhausted, or losing control, it is necessary to stop and recenter yourself back on your higher power. This means a morning, afternoon, and evening time of talking to your higher power, telling him or her what you are dealing with, asking for his or her guidance and support, asking to be filled with healing and strength. I always make sure to do this before any hearing, court appearance, or meeting;
2. Remember to place your own personal experience within the context of everyone who is also going through the very same experience. You are not being picked on solely; others are going through the same thing. Also, keep in mind, that with every action you take to fight back, you are striking a blow for others as well. If the work you do defending yourself changes the mind of a judge and makes him or her think in a more enlightened manner, then you have struck a blow for freedom. If a judge rules against you, but respects you in the end, you have still won;
3. Also, remember that the way things appear is not always the truth. You can never tell what the outcome of a particular circumstance will be in the long run. In the legal system, if plan A doesn't work, there is always plan B, C, and D. Always take action with your eyes on the final prize, and don't get too concerned about the variations along the way;
4. Remember that slow and steady wins the race. Every day do something for your case so that when the time for the court hearing finally arrives you don't drown in a flurry of preparatory work, and become so emotionally distraught you are not able to think straight.
Finally, in terms of everything you say and do, think further down the line. What will your children think of what you have done and said ten or twenty years from now? Will they respect your character and your actions? If there is the slightest question that they won't, don't do it or say it. As the children's mother, you will always be their only mother, no matter what, and you want to present them with a person who maintains ethical standards that you would wish them to aspire to. This will keep their souls alive and give them hope in what is often a very dark, conflicted world. And, of course, that is your ultimate goal anyway.
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