HOW TO CO-PARENT WITH A NARCISSIST!

The most widely repeated advice the former ex of a narcissist will get is "Drop all contact with the narcissist."  The website "The Path Back to Self" states the following in regard to the "No Contact Rule":

"No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”

This is just one of the many websites on this topic.  If you google the terms online, you will get page after page of informative articles, blogs, and youtube videos all stating that the only way to free yourself from a narcissist is to cut them off completely.  

So how can you co-parent with a narcissist and yet cut off all contact at the same time?  

Doing so is a very tricky dance which you, as the victim co-parent, will sometimes execute effectively, while at other times you may just slip up, or fall flat on your face.  

Before embarking upon this subject matter, let me just mention how appalled I am that any family court judge or family services counselor would recommend that you are required to co-parent with a narcissist.  The problem is, however, family court in general just does not care how you co-parent.  They just want you to shut up and do it; from their perspective co-parenting conflict with a narcissist appears like white noise.  

Family Services workers, judges, and attorneys either don't get what the problem is or they simply don't care--one or the other, but the outcome is the same--you are stuck dealing with a hurtful, damaging, manipulative ex who will attack you, harm the children, and then turn around with a big smile and say "Who me?  What did I do?" and there simply is no way to stop such a person.  

As the opposing attorney in my case once said, clearly having immense insight into the character of her client, "You can't stop a bully." Why?  Because those in the legal professions really like bullies--they relate to bullies and feel comfortable with bullies.  They fear and have contempt for their victims.  This is the outcome of a field of endeavor which is fundamentally build upon the principles of oneupmanship.  

So, again, how do you deal with co-parenting with a narcissist.  

Well, first of all, shut the fuck up.  The primary mode of a narcissist is sneering, sarcasm, belittling, needling, harping, wounding, lying and outright attack.  Most folks respond to these provocations with elaborate justifications of their behavior, defensive clarifications, and threats that the narcissist will get what they deserve one day, all in great detail.  

This is just plain foolish.  

Any victim who responds this way will next see their letters and emails included in the stack of correspondence which the opposing attorney will use against him or her in the next court hearing.  

In addition, I can assure you, no victim will ever win against a narcissistic onslaught. In fact, I consider the belief that many victims have that they can persuade the narcissist to see the light as a subtle form of grandiosity, one that is equally damaging and just as mentally ill as narcissism itself.  You will never persuade the narcissist he is wrong, you will never be able to make her see the wisdom of your insights.  Because from the perspective of the narcissist, it has nothing to do with questions of right or wrong as it does for you.  In fact, the verbal abuse the narcissist metes out in his correspondence with you is purely for the fun of it because he or she enjoys torturing you.  

If you are immensely persuasive in one aspect of your discussion and so shut down the abuse there, the narcissist will quickly open up another avenue of discussion where the torture can continue.  So like I say, stop trying to win over the narcissist.  Just stop.  Because you are never going to succeed. 

Second, simply let go.  This means letting go in regard to believing you have any control over the narcissist, particularly because the narcissist has armed himself with the power of the Court and is not answerable to you in any way whatsoever.  

And of course, in this regard, the bottom line is that you cannot control any other person in your life.  If people are willing to respond to your requests and suggestions that you believe are good ones, so much the better. But you sure can't make them.  Further, you can't even be sure your perspective is necessarily the correct one.  Are we clairvoyant that we can always know what is best in every and all situation?  

No.  

I certainly think, for example, a college education is central to a young person's success and I believe that as a parent I play a central role in making sure my children obtain one.  This attitude has been engrained in my family for several generations and it is extraordinarily powerful in regard to my understanding of the world.  But if I were to think about this assumption critically, am I totally right about it 100%?  

No.  

There are many highly successful individuals who have decided to forgo college altogether and done well nonetheless, and many people of excellent character are out there today who have found a way to fund their educations themselves without help from their mothers at all.  So, if things aren't going the way I expect them, if my cultural assumptions end up being violated because my narcissist is a self serving, selfish SOB, so what.  

Be creative, let it go, and open yourself up to other possibilities.  In fact, it is often when life destroys some of your most cherished assumptions that creative doors to other possibilities open up.  Don't be so stuck in having it your way that you give your narcissist endless opportunities to continue on manipulating and torturing you because they know what matters to you deeply.

Of course, there is a darker side to this.  When I placed my children in the hands of my narcissist, they frequently returned to my care suffering from medical neglect.  The immediate response to that is rage, hurt, pain, tears, and a desire to call your various medical providers immediately, file a motion off the top of your head, rush to court with an ex parte motion for sole custody, anything to protect your children.  However, as you know, if you are the long time victim of narcissistic abuse that I am presuming you, my reader, to be, no one will do anything to protect your children.  Acting quickly, rushing forward to put your life and your body and soul between yourself and the abuser will only result in further and even more devastating abuse because, as you know, most narcissists have DCF and the Court fully convinced you have Munchausens or are otherwise overreacting about medical matters related to your children.  

Instead, what you are going to have to do is carefully and cooly document the problem with a medical provider, inform all person's included in the children's care, i.e. the GAL, the family services evaluator--of whatever incident occurred and you have to wait until the system arrives at that point where it will take steps to protect your children.  

Meanwhile, you have no power, no influence, no control, so just give it up to the extent that you can.  Sure, I know you will be tempted to admonish the narc perpetrator in this situation, but guess what?  He or she will not change in regard to their behavior and while you are begging them to behave more responsibly, they will simply enjoy every moment of your anguish and take the opportunity to stick the knife in even further by giving you more details on how they medically abused your children in the past and intend to continue doing so in the future.  So just spare yourself that by directing your expressions of concern to the people who actually have the power, and hopefully eventually the willingness, to do something about it.  You can also hope that if you simply stop responding, the narcissist won't have so much fun carrying out the abuse and will eventually stop.

In my case, the accumulated record of abuse eventually led to a situation where the Court ordered my ex to behave properly or else face consequences, and, finally, my children became old enough to defend themselves effectively.  You can only hope something similar happens in your case, but if it doesn't there isn't much you can do about it.  Meanwhile, you document, you report, and hope for the best.  

Third, limit your communication.  In my experience, which is not inconsiderable, the vast majority of people with narcissism experienced some severe injury to their self worth in the past which fuels their vicious behavior.  These are people who deep down feel incredibly vulnerable and insecure.  So attacking them in any way, calling into question their parenting abilities, calling into question their good judgment, calling into question their love for their children.  Please.  Seriously, just don't go there.  The only result you will get from that is narcissistic rage where the narcissists will do everything possible in their power to attack and hurt you.  There is simply no point to it and it will get you nowhere.  

Also, do not explain yourself.  Do not apologize.  You are not required to explain every detail of why you chose to make a parenting decision.  You do not have to trot out your latest insights from reading "Parenting Magazine."  Just no.  Why should you?  Does anyone have the right to put you on trial either as a parent or a person?  No.  

Further, you do not need to answer questions just because your nosy, exploitative narcissist ex wants to get more information he or she can use against you in court, or because he wants to humiliate you by forcing you to make a humiliating concession, or because he or she loves to drill you for answers as a means of showing how powerful she is.  

Just no, you are not obligated.  

Your communications should be limited to the facts necessary for both you and your narc ex to co-parent.  For example, "Charles, I will be at the drop off location at our regular time today of 7:00p.m.  See you there."  No more, and no less.  How about another, "Millie, Tom's baseball game will be from 2:00-4:00pm, Saturday, at the Johnson baseball field.  See you there."  

There should be no emotion, no defensiveness, no judgment in anything you say to the other parent.  

If you doubt the truthfulness of any statement the other parent is giving to you regarding a crucial matter, request backup documentation.  

No matter what the other parent says to you, no matter how needling, no matter how false, no matter how infuriating, you respond in a neutral, conversational, fact based, polite manner.  

And it wouldn't hurt you to say something like, "Thank you for your cooperation."  or "I hope you are enjoying the very nice weather."  

There are other approaches to dealing with co-parenting with a narcissist.  

For example, I highly recommend programs like "Our Family Wizard.  

Another option is to hire a therapist, mediator, or teacher who can monitor your email exchanges with your ex and give you training and guidance on how you communicate with your ex. 

Also, it goes without saying that all communications need to be in writing, i.e. email, text, fax, or letter.  That way all interactions between you and your ex are on the record. 

The point is you need to use these steps I've recommended to reduce the friction between you and your ex for the sake of your children. Otherwise, the kids will be caught up in your arguments and end up being irreparably harmed through being caught in the middle, through parentification, or through a loss of respect for authority.  

My recommendations here are by no means comprehensive.  There are many other techniques and approaches you could use, but I think the ones I've listed here are the most basic and the most useful for you to be aware of.  If anyone has other recommendations or approaches, please comment below.  I think everyone would benefit from tapping into the general wisdom regarding this issue.

SAM VAKNIN SPEAKS ABOUT NARCISSISM DURING THE BATTERED WOMEN'S CUSTODY CONFERENCE!

The person with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder regards children as extensions of himself and so are very possessive of them like they are of an arm or leg.

They have no concept of boundaries, which will lead to abuse, including sexual abuse.

They regard their children as pawns in their large game, their grandiose vision of what they are going through.  The children are props in their fantasy lives which they use to obtain Narcissistic Supply.

To get Narcissistic Supply from their perfect, brilliant, flawless, they consider children as props in their life story, and idealize their children.  

They establish an approach/avoidance cycle, try to coerce them into adulation or admiration; if they fail, then they will withdraw.  This will continues on for years, even when the children are in their 30s or older.

The cuteness of children, causes the narcissist rage because they get more attention, and so they feel they are compete with them.

Also, the narcissist considers the children to be bargaining chips.  The objective is to use the children, to influence, manipulate, harm the other parent.

All of these issues are contemporaneous in a custody issue with a narcissistist.

With a narcissist reckless behavior and substance abuse is standard.

They feel they will always get away with it, and they do.

They are frequently sexually deviant as well.

A NPD person is a present and imminent danger in the lives of his children, a point which should not be denied by authorities.  This insight still has not permeated into the system--police, legal, court, mental health

The conflict between the need to merge, to convert into extension of self, when a dependent source of NS can benefit from that child, to become one with them.

Many men with narcissistic personality disorder have many of the traits of co-dependence, react badly to changes in status quo.

At the same time, envies the children, particularly if they become more accomplished, more beautiful (if NPD is mom).

The NPD is destructive, seeks to eliminate the source of frustration, which is the child, but also seeks to merge, so this cannot be resolved in a rational way.

They will use Control Mechanisms: I sacrificed my life for you, I need you; I cannot cope without you; we have a common goal, parent and child we need to work for this together; classical psychosis, emotional incest, cultish setting, children are members.  you and I are united against the whole world, or against the monster mother.

The narcissist treats his children as objects and attempts to maintain total control over them.

He states to his kids, "You (my children) are my true passion.  If you don't obey my commands, I will punish you."

NO tv if 7.

I will disinherit you if 50.

This is how an individual with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) attempts to resolve the seathing destructive dependence he feels in connection to the children with his need to merge with them.

He will commit abuse by proxy in custody battles, with   the "proxy" being the children

He will attempt to get the children to aid and abet this abusive conduct.  

Why do I say "he"?  75% of NPD are men, 25% of women.  So the majority of people with NPD are men.

NPD within custody battle or divorce proceedings presents real problems.  Most abused mothers have a tough line to draw:  they don't want to be accused of PAS by telling to truth, so they end up pretending everything is OK, but, of course, that doesn't work either.

Children have the right to know; parents should say what is going on.

You don't cover up

You say, "Abusive conduct is wrong."

Children should be taught the warning signs of abuse: verbal, sexual, physical.

Children should learn to use the word "no".  Say no to drugs, say no to abuse.

The imposition of joint custody is a problem when there is abuse because it will never work.

There are various kinds of abusive parents, and each kind requires a different strategy.  They are as follows:

1.  erotomaniacs:  stalker who believes he is in love with you and that you are in love with him, ignore with that person.  He often has ideas of reference which feed into his delusions.  

2.  narcissistic:  Feels like he can demand your love and attention, reacts with rage and vindictiveness whenever you say "no".  The best approach is to  ignore, give no further contact.  Indicate that this is not personal, but a part of the process of ending the relationship, be firm, don't send mixed signals.  Ultimately these men are cowards, bluster notwithstanding, and they are easily intimidated.  They are not very emotionally attached. They don't love you or the children, because they lack the foundation for experiencing that emotion.  They will move on with ease.

3. paranoid: lives in an inaccessible world of his own making.  They love being threatened.  Keep as much distance between yourself and that kind of ex as possible.  Don't inform ex of new address and life.  will look for you, be suspicious and resentful of your freedom.  Must have a safety plan.

All of these three types are interrelated and one can end up being interchangeable with the other.

Stalking is very intensive during custody battles and divorce.  

Narcissists terrorize, intimidate, breach boundaries, gaslight you, create an atmosphere of anxiety and fear in order to gain advantage in the court battle.

In response, you need to ignore your gut reactions, do not do it, do not strike back.  Instead use the law, use all available option, jail, visits from police, and restraining orders.

Don't try to buy peace by appeasing the abuser; submission or attempts to reason give him more information which he can use to abuse

Narcissistic and psychopaths have cold empathy, calculating, leverage cold empathy in order to invade your boundaries.  He will use everything you say to support his illusions and psychopathic fantasies.  

NPD people believe all failures are from the abusive hostile world; they vengeful, seathing, ruthless, sadistic, calculating machine

threats are useless--just be determined.  Only meet the psychopath is public places

The system favors glib narcissist:  NPDs are cool, calculated, reasoned, willing to compromise, she is crazy, she is rigid

To expose the narcissist in court, you belittling the narcissist, undercut him, expose him as weak, average, weak, mediocre, hinting or outright belittling, will get narcissist in full view.

Keep in mind, you will have abuse in your life for a long time, so be prepared.

The system, people in the mental health professions, are simply not informed of the serious, pernicious nature of individuals with NPD.  System not prepared to cope with these people.  Hopefully, our work will be part of the movement to get people informed.