MY DIVORCE AND THE COMMUNITY OF JESUS

Here on this blog I have spent at least a decade talking about divorce and yet I have never spoken directly about why my marriage ended in divorce.  My divorce took place as a result of religion.  That's right.  In a way, you can say God came between my husband and me.  Actually, I shouldn't say God.  The truth is, a religious cult came between us, and that cult believed that it was speaking for God.  So to a certain extent, my first way of putting it was correct.

Originally, I lived out of state, but I came to live in Connecticut when my ex and me agreed to live together for a year and see if we were compatible.  After a year, if everything worked out, we agreed to get married.  During that year, I began to attend a nearby Church that was within walking distance of my home, and before long my ex came along with me.  I had understood that while my ex was brought up in a religious household, during his entire life as an adult and while I had known him (ten years) he had shown no interest in religion at all.  Still, he was the great great great great grandson of a famous Baptist preacher who eventually founded Gordon College in Massachusetts.  In contrast, I was brought up in an family of agnostics who did not attend Church, although I was deeply religious in my way.  My father came from a German Jewish background and his family had been decimated by the holocaust.  This made him skeptical of any kind of religious faith.

Before long, we were swept into the life of the Church and pretty much every social activity we went to was Church related in some way.  I began to attend bible study for women each week which the Senior Pastor of the Church was leading.  This is when I first heard mention of the Community of Jesus which was founded in 1970 by two Episcopal laywomen--Cay Anderson and Judy Sorenson.  In the Church library there was a large collection of cassettes of talks given by the two women who were founders of the Community of Jesus.  The Pastor would encourage us to listen to the tapes and recommended their content. Furthermore, the Pastor talked about visiting the Community of Jesus in Cape Cod, Massachusetts where the group had its headquarters.  He spoke about staying overnight there and how nicely people were treated.  He acknowledged there were complaints about children being abused by the Community of Jesus, but he insisted such accusations were all nonsense.  He laughed it off in scorn as if it were hardly possible that this occurred.  

It was a full two decades later when I saw the Canadian news report on the abuse of children in a Community of Jesus related high school, Grenville Christian College.  This was a school which educated students from pre-school through high school  Quite recently, five former students from that school won a lawsuit against the administrators of the school for the abuse they experienced there.  In the 2020 decision, the judge stated, "I have concluded that the evidence of maltreatment and the varieties of abuse perpetrated on student's bodies and minds in the name of Community of Jesus values of submission and obedience was class-wide and decades long."  Not only that, there have been reports from people who grew up in the Massachusetts Community of Jesus compound that as children they were taken from their parents, passed around from family to family, and forced to do hours and hours of manual labor.  So the reports of abuse weren't nothing as the Church Pastor implied.  

The first few years I was in the Church I was surrounded by warmth and attention.  After a year, my ex and I decided to get married and the following year I had a baby, my oldest son.  When he was born, I literally received a card of congratulations from every member of the Church.  During Church choir practice, which I attended every week, a group of young girls would take the baby and care for him until choir practice was over, with no expectation of reward or compensation.  I could literally do no wrong.  The Pastor of the church provided couples counseling and individual counseling for me free of reward or compensation.  When my son had his first few birthdays, over half the people who came to celebrate were Church members.  Before I knew it, our pediatrician, our accountant, our real estate agent, our primary care physician--you name it--were all Church members.

But as time went by, the situation darkened.  I have always been deeply Christian, but my faith has not been unshadowed by many doubts and dark nights of the soul.  And I have left my faith only to come back, and then leave again, then return, etc.  I have always been frank about my thoughts on this, and I was quite open in the Church regarding the ups and downs of my faith journey.  In contrast, my ex, who never previously had any interest in Christianity, pretty much turned into a holy roller.  In time, my frankness about my doubts and hesitations led to ostracism. Instead of the warm embrace I was originally welcomed in with at the start of my attendance at this Church, I found people criticizing my shoes as being too expensive, etc., and taking offense at what I thought and intended to be harmless remarks.  At Church meetings, I often found myself sitting in a corner on my own.  At one point, I was assisting in a fundraiser for a youth group.  We were selling fancy bread in the social room, when I was approached by a deacon of the Church.  He insisted that fundraising was like having moneylenders in the Church.  He ordered me on the spot to take the kids, the table, the boxes of fancy bread and sell them outside the Church building on what was a cold, windy day.  It was harassment of this nature that occurred repeatedly.

Meanwhile, my ex-husband received the Church's whole hearted embrace.  He was appointed to the Board of Trustees and other Church Committees.  Before long, he was down at the Church all the time attending various Church functions.  This meant that I was at home with very young children alone while my ex was participating in a bunch of social and business functions at the Church.  I didn't think much about what this meant until one evening, it concerned me that since my ex was going to a meeting right after work, he might not have had dinner.  I therefore wrapped a plate with a nice chicken dinner in tin foil and brought it down for him to eat during the meeting.  Instead of being appreciative of my effort, my ex was angry and annoyed.  What I came to understand later was that what my ex had been telling people was that I didn't feed him.  My ex was using his opportunity away from me at the Church to tell stories about how I was a bad wife and was abusing him.  This was remarkable given that not only did I assist unpaid in our home business, but I was taking care of our children pretty much alone as well.  My ex didn't so much as change a diaper.  As soon as the ink was dry on our wedding certificate, he reverted back to an attitude towards our respective roles that was more suitable to the Edwardian age.

At that time, which was the early and late 90s, there were a few books out that presented married life in a form that would have made Phyllis Schafly proud.  The prototype for these kinds of books, which you might recall, was "Fascinating Womanhood" by Helen B. Andelin published in 1963. Many copycat type books came out in the 1990s and pretty much advocated that under God you be obedient to your husband and focus on becoming a good housewife and mother.  They advised you to spend all day cleaning and baking, and always meet your husband at the door looking sexy and ready to go and etc.  Somehow, not long after my marriage, Church members made sure to pass that book along to me.  It tells you just exactly how that particular Church viewed women and their role in society. Too bad no one reminded them of that part of the marriage ceremony that goes, "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." (Mathew 19:6). Still, you wouldn't have observed this conservatism from superficial conversations with Church members. I had joined a Church denomination which is known as one of the most liberal in the United States.  However, every congregation is allowed to interpret that freely among themselves.  Nothing was written on the walls, and you wouldn't have heard it directly in a sermon, but somehow it was a very present sentiment.  The fact that I did not feed my husband was damning.  And the accusation was somehow taken as a fact, because my husband said it, and he was a man.

At one point, I became really public about my complaints.  I spoke up about the how controlling the Church was and how it felt as though Church members were interfering in every aspect of my life.  I felt as though the pastor was violating appropriate boundaries when he provided counseling for me and my ex. and I decided to stop going.  Apparently, news spread that I had done this and before long I had people outside the Church coming to me speaking about the Community of Jesus, and how they had been bullied and decided to leave it.  I did not know at the time that the reason I was hearing from them was because my Church was so closely associated with the Community of Jesus.  I was still new to the situation.  The divide between my husband and me continued to grow and I had the impression that Church members felt that we were unequally yoked and that while they thought my ex was wonderful, they could do without me.  Eventually, I decided that I wanted to leave the Church and I spoke to my husband about it.  To my shock and surprise, he told me that the Church was more important than I was.

By then, we had three children and so it wasn't that easy for either of us to leave the marriage.  So it took another eight years before we finally ended up with a divorce.  During that time, if my ex had a disagreement with me, instead of working it out with me, he went to the Church to complain. Even worse, there were times--, rarely, I will admit--that if we began to get into a heated conversation, my ex would literally fall on his knees and begin to pray out loud.  At Church, my ex found a ready and willing audience for all of his anger and unhappiness. It is my belief that the ministers in the Church provided him with extensive counseling at the Church, but I was never included or officially informed about it. To them, he appeared more credible to people given his ancestry. There is a theme that runs within some Christian traditions that holiness is generational.  As he spread more disinformation about me, I became more isolated and unhappy.  It didn't help that I had a Jewish background which made me easier to dislike.  The subtle sneers I was subjected to regarding Jews, or Hebrews as they were often called, made me feel terribly uncomfortable.

I was reading an article written by blogger Carrie Buddington, former victim of the cult, on the common attitude that continues to prevail in the Community of Jesus and its associated Church communities. She said, "It was about receiving correction from everyone around you, confessing your sins constantly, and being absolutely obedient without question."  As a woman, I felt it was about disempowerment, and accepting the role of second class citizen.  Ultimately, I was not able to tolerate that and this is why our marriage broke down.  There is more to this, and I may speak about it in the future.  But in a nutshell, this is basically what happened.  Beware of wolves in sheep's clothing.  The Community of Jesus was certainly that for me.

For more about the Carrie Buddington and her experiences in the Community of Jesus, see the link below:

https://www.amazon.com/Exquisite-Torture-Life-Christian-Cult-ebook/dp/B0BWVMKW2B?ref_=ast_author_mpb

THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT'S WAR AGAINST WOMEN IN FAMILY COURT!

In recent decades, claiming that fathers are endangered, and claiming to defend family values as embodied in The Natural Family, the religious right have attacked and sought to reverse the civil rights gains of the feminist movement of the 1970s. These groups blame feminism for the rising divorce rate, the plethora of single family households, and many social ills such as crime, poverty, mental illness and homelessness.  In doing so, they deny the existence of racism and the role of economic injustice.  

The Conservative right have waged a crafty, well financed, and highly organized war against women throughout America using Family Court as a backdrop.  This war has been documented partially in the book "Backlash" by Susan Fahludi published in 1991.  

The primary method Conservative politicians and the Evangelical right have used to attack women is by creating a false narrative of father absence, claiming that it has led to many social ills which require remedial action on behalf of men.  This is a complete lie.

For an example of their ideology, just look at the May 11, 2010 Multi-Agency Memorandum of Agreement for the State of Connecticut.  In the preamble, this document lists a broad range of areas in which the authors claim that fatherlessness has caused the breakdown of American society.  Has any of this been proven? No. These claims are based upon a body flawed, misleading, if not outright fake research which was created by right wing think tanks.  This is the right wing's tried and true approach to manipulating the public dialogue with fake research.  For an example of how this was done in an attempt to deny homosexual couples the right to parent, see The Regulus Study, funded by and conducted by the religious right wing. 

While there may be a correllation between fatherlessness and social problems, this is far from showing evidence of cause and effect. What we do know is that the primary factor in outcomes for young people is financial stability, not fatherlessness.  Nonetheless, the State of Connecticut has used these detailed and unproven conclusions regarding father absence to justify treating fathers preferentially when providing services, despite Connecticut statutes that clearly prohibit gender discrimination. 

This is how easily such ideas have penetrated into the mainstream.  

Added to this, Conservatives have decried the demise of the patriarchal ideal of The Natural Family. In a 2016 article entitled, "The Family Courts Are Killing Our Children", right wing politician, Dr. Mario Jimenez, stated that the loss of The Natural Family is also responsible for the high rate of both homicide and suicide in American society.  What they really want to do is restrict divorce and trap women in abusive marriages.

So what is this "Natural Family" that he is referring to?  According to Allan Carlson and Paul Mero, authors of the book "The Natural Family" (2005), the term properly refers to "the natural arrangement of husband and wife, plus their offspring, as the most identifiable and important family unit for protection, nurture, and social stability." By natural arrangement, what they mean is the father is the head of the family and has sole authority. Within The Natural Family "the conjugal bond built on fidelity, mutual duty, and respect allow [their members] to fulfill their potential as human beings."  In short, "The Natural Family is the first and fundamental unit of human society."  Most of all, it is biblical and, according to right wing evangelicals, God has endorsed it, and therefore government should insist upon it for the welfare of all.

According to Christian theorist, Michael Brendan Dougherty, The Natural Family stands opposed to The Contractual Family, which Conservatives state has improperly replaced The Natural Family in modern society. Dougherty states that The Contractual Family occurs when marital and parental relationships are determined as a matter of choice, and not biology.  For instance, it can include same sex parents, grandparents with their grandchildren, extended family, as well as unrelated persons who consider themselves family.  Conservatives and the Evangelical right condemn The Contractual Family and consider The Natural Family essential to liberty, freedom, as well as mental, physical, and economic health of American citizens.  This is what they mean when they talk about family values.  

In an attempt to restore The Natural Family, to restore fathers to their positions as heads of households, and to restore the patriarchy to its status of privilege, Conservatives have pushed an agenda to support fathers within Family Court so that they have greater access to their children, frequently replacing and eliminating Mothers.  Sure, go ahead and assert your civil rights if you wish, Conservatives appear to be saying.  Fight back against domestic violence, and leave marriages with abusers, but if you do so, you will risk the possibility that you will lose all access to your children and end up penniless and homeless.  This phenomenon was carefully documented and exposed in Phylis Chesler's book, "Mothers on Trial:  The Battle For Children and Custody" (1986) and the situation has only continued on to get worse.

It would be foolish to underestimate the extent of the misogyny behind the Christian right's movement to restore The Natural Family. Essentially, the religious right wants an end to birth control, and an increase in large families with accompanying homeschooling. They look back fondly on pre-industrial society and look forward to restoring a kind of agrarian idyll centered around large families.  In the words of one writer, The Natural Family flourishes best in "the small home economy which should act as the vital center of daily economy." The very idea of The Natural Family is closely allied with the quiverful movement to which the Duggar Family belong, which is famous for being in TLC's reality show "Nineteen and Counting." If these religious conservatives had their way, women would end up being walking baby factories just like Michelle Duggar.  

Central to the success of this vision of family life is the idea that women should stop earning a living outside the home and go back to being housewives, leaving their men to support the family.  The movement opposes equal pay for equal work, and they oppose the market wage, i.e. a wage determined by the market, and support giving men a living wage, i.e. sufficient salary which a man can use to support a wife, and one presumes his very large brood of children.  One such article entitled, "The Death of Our Family Wage Culture" by Dusty Gates quotes both Pope Pius and Pope John Paul II as stating that pushing mothers to leave their household duties in order to engage in work outside the home is a form of abuse.  

Who are the enemies of this brave new, or rather old, view of the world, or this reenvisioning of the patriarchy for the modern world?  The Gay Rights Movement, The Pro-Choice Movement, Advocates for Contraception, Advocates for Sex Education, Children's Rights Advocates, Industrialism, No-fault divorce,  Sexual Liberation, Secularists, Intellectuals and Scholars, i.e. anyone with brains, Liberals, and most particularly relevant in connection to this blog, Feminists. 

If you think the Conservatives and the Religious Right who are pursuing this movement are a small, powerless minority, who couldn't possibly seize the reins of power and impose this sexist vision on American Society, don't kid yourselves.  Who is it that is behind the millions and millions of dollars that goes into The Fatherhood Iniatiative which is present in every state of the Union right now? Who is it that is behind all the millions and millions of dollars that goes into the Marriage and Responsible Parenthood programs? What about the billions that goes into these faith based initiatives?

In fact, in her four part series on homophobia in Russia, Amanda Blue Keating of "Right Wing Watch" reports that in 2013, through the World Congress of Families, these Christian Evangelical right groups developed a major political network throughout Russia and were directly involved, along with France, in passing anti LGBT legislation that, among other things, criminalized advocacy for LGBT equality. Apparently, the Christian right views Russia as the last bastion of defense in preserving the rights of the family

All of this is the brain child of the religious right, and all of the money and effort involved is poured into programs whose fundamental intention is to destroy Women's Liberation which they consider inimical to Christianity and Western Civilization.  How are they going to destroy Women's Liberation? By seizing control of children and making it clear that if women don't learn their place, they will never see them again.  

Still, the plot goes deeper.  According to Amanda Blue, when the Russian, Konstantin Malofeev spoke at the 2012 World Congress of Families, he held out Russia as the model for the world saying, "Now Christian Russia can help liberate the West from the new liberal anti-Christian, totalitarianism of political correctness, gender ideology, mass-media censorship and neo-Marxist dogma."  Is it surprising, then, that they showed up in the 2016 elections to put Donald Trump in power to promote just that agenda! 

While I was pursing this project, I wrote down the names of the organizations that make up this Conservative, Religious movement, and I will list them below. The majority of them are members of the World Congress of Families. It is by no means a complete list, but it gives you a sense of how extensive it is.

Alliance Defense Fund

Americans United For Life

Alliance Defending Freedom

American Family Association

Americans For Truth About Homosexuality

American United For Life

Bradley Foundation

Catholic family and Human Rights Institute

Concerned Women For America

Focus on the Family

Family Research Council

International Organization For the Family

National Organization For Marriage

The Heritage Foundation

The Howard Center For Family Religion, and Society

The Rockland Institute

The Ruth Institute

The Sutherland Institute

The Witherspoon Institute

United Families International

World Congress of Families

WHAT HAPPENED TO EVERYONE? HOW ABUSED WOMEN IN A DIVORCE END UP ISOLATED AND ALONE!

Three or four months into what I now routinely call "the divorce from hell" I woke up and said, "What happened to Everyone!!!" I mean, what happened to my family, my friends, and all the other people I used to know, because suddenly they weren't there any more. 

JIMMY CARTER TO THE BAPTISTS: DISCRIMINATION AGAINST WOMEN AND GIRLS IS UNACCEPTABLE! LEAVES THE FAITH!

SEE THE FULL TEXT OF FORMER PRESIDENT CARTER'S REMARKS FOUND IN "THE AGE":

Women and girls have been discriminated against for too long in a twisted interpretation of the word of God.

I HAVE been a practising Christian all my life and a deacon and Bible teacher for many years. My faith is a source of strength and comfort to me, as religious beliefs are to hundreds of millions of people around the world. So my decision to sever my ties with the Southern Baptist Convention, after six decades, was painful and difficult. It was, however, an unavoidable decision when the convention's leaders, quoting a few carefully selected Bible verses and claiming that Eve was created second to Adam and was responsible for original sin, ordained that women must be "subservient" to their husbands and prohibited from serving as deacons, pastors or chaplains in the military service.

This view that women are somehow inferior to men is not restricted to one religion or belief. Women are prevented from playing a full and equal role in many faiths. Nor, tragically, does its influence stop at the walls of the church, mosque, synagogue or temple. This discrimination, unjustifiably attributed to a Higher Authority, has provided a reason or excuse for the deprivation of women's equal rights across the world for centuries.

At its most repugnant, the belief that women must be subjugated to the wishes of men excuses slavery, violence, forced prostitution, genital mutilation and national laws that omit rape as a crime. But it also costs many millions of girls and women control over their own bodies and lives, and continues to deny them fair access to education, health, employment and influence within their own communities.

The impact of these religious beliefs touches every aspect of our lives. They help explain why in many countries boys are educated before girls; why girls are told when and whom they must marry; and why many face enormous and unacceptable risks in pregnancy and childbirth because their basic health needs are not met.

In some Islamic nations, women are restricted in their movements, punished for permitting the exposure of an arm or ankle, deprived of education, prohibited from driving a car or competing with men for a job. If a woman is raped, she is often most severely punished as the guilty party in the crime.

The same discriminatory thinking lies behind the continuing gender gap in pay and why there are still so few women in office in the West. The root of this prejudice lies deep in our histories, but its impact is felt every day. It is not women and girls alone who suffer. It damages all of us. The evidence shows that investing in women and girls delivers major benefits for society. An educated woman has healthier children. She is more likely to send them to school. She earns more and invests what she earns in her family.

It is simply self-defeating for any community to discriminate against half its population. We need to challenge these self-serving and outdated attitudes and practices - as we are seeing in Iran where women are at the forefront of the battle for democracy and freedom.

I understand, however, why many political leaders can be reluctant about stepping into this minefield. Religion, and tradition, are powerful and sensitive areas to challenge. But my fellow Elders and I, who come from many faiths and backgrounds, no longer need to worry about winning votes or avoiding controversy - and we are deeply committed to challenging injustice wherever we see it.

The Elders are an independent group of eminent global leaders, brought together by former South African president Nelson Mandela, who offer their influence and experience to support peace building, help address major causes of human suffering and promote the shared interests of humanity. We have decided to draw particular attention to the responsibility of religious and traditional leaders in ensuring equality and human rights and have recently published a statement that declares: "The justification of discrimination against women and girls on grounds of religion or tradition, as if it were prescribed by a Higher Authority, is unacceptable."

We are calling on all leaders to challenge and change the harmful teachings and practices, no matter how ingrained, which justify discrimination against women. We ask, in particular, that leaders of all religions have the courage to acknowledge and emphasise the positive messages of dignity and equality that all the world's major faiths share.

The carefully selected verses found in the Holy Scriptures to justify the superiority of men owe more to time and place - and the determination of male leaders to hold onto their influence - than eternal truths. Similar biblical excerpts could be found to support the approval of slavery and the timid acquiescence to oppressive rulers.

I am also familiar with vivid descriptions in the same Scriptures in which women are revered as pre-eminent leaders. During the years of the early Christian church women served as deacons, priests, bishops, apostles, teachers and prophets. It wasn't until the fourth century that dominant Christian leaders, all men, twisted and distorted Holy Scriptures to perpetuate their ascendant positions within the religious hierarchy.

The truth is that male religious leaders have had - and still have - an option to interpret holy teachings either to exalt or subjugate women. They have, for their own selfish ends, overwhelmingly chosen the latter. Their continuing choice provides the foundation or justification for much of the pervasive persecution and abuse of women throughout the world. This is in clear violation not just of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights but also the teachings of Jesus Christ, the Apostle Paul, Moses and the prophets, Muhammad, and founders of other great religions - all of whom have called for proper and equitable treatment of all the children of God. It is time we had the courage to challenge these views.

OBSERVER

Jimmy Carter was president of the United States from 1977 to 1981.
Read more: 

http://www.theage.com.au/federal-politics/losing-my-religion-for-equality-20090714-dk0v.html?stb=fb#ixzz3vhNj1pZG

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CHURCHES AND ALL THAT LOVE ONE ANOTHER STUFF

Some of you, like me, have spent quite a bit of time in Church and so you think, well, isn't that where I should be able to get some support? After all, aren't those Christians supposed to love one another. What was that other line, "And you will know they are Christians by their love."

Well, ok, that was for when you were a fine, upstanding, not divorced member of the community contributing actual money to the Church. Unless you are a direct relative of one of the families that founded the Church and still run it now, don't expect to get any kind of help from a Church, particularly if you are divorcing an abusive ex husband who is especially charming to the deacons and the pastor who is most likely pretty half baked.

Love one another. What kind of baloney is that!

Ladies, I want to clue you into something that you should have always known but you will tell me now that you didn't know it. The Church is on the side of the guys, was always on the side of the guys and will always be on the side of the guys, forever and ever. Amen.

So, if you are in a situation where you haven't got enough money to pay for food and you can't afford gas to run the family car, don't go looking for the Church to help you fix that problem because they really couldn't care less. You are walking away from your hard working husband who has supported your lazy ass for years and you should be ashamed of yourself.

In fact, you should be amazed they even remember who you are, particularly if you haven't volunteered for something recently. I mean, I'll never forget the time I received a sympathy card from the Church after the death of my father and my father wasn't even dead, although superstitious as I am, I began to feel a little nervous that I might be getting some bad news soon.

I mean, please. Churches are the coldest places in the world, filled with some of the lyingest, meanest people you will ever meet. So, sure, look out for support, but don't look for it in a Church.