If there is one thing I've learned through this process, it is that where chaos reigns abuse flourishes. In fact, if there seems to be chaos in a case, there is very likely to be abuse somewhere--sort of like where there is smoke, there is fire.
So how do you prevent chaos from breaking out in your case?
I would say the first line of defense against chaos is to make sure you and your ex obey the automatic orders, a copy of which is included in your initial divorce papers. Talking about establishing good fences, those automatic orders make some damn good fences, and with good fences you have less chaos and less opportunities for abuse.
Again, to repeat, good fences, good boundaries are fundamental to a good outcome in a family court case.
In fact, if I were an attorney, right at the beginning of the divorce, I would sit the parties down, each with their attorneys and go over the automatic orders and explain what each item in the orders means providing good examples and case law showing the bad outcomes when the automatic orders end up being violated.
I say this because when I filed for divorce, I received a copy of the automatic orders but I was so upset that I barely saw them and it was only four or five months after I filed for divorce that my attorney pointed them out. As a result, I had no idea that I had the kinds of protections that were in those orders and so I didn't know that I had grounds to complain when they were violated as they so often were!
The most important part of the automatic orders, the particular order that makes for a damn good fence is Item #11 which states, "If the parents of minor children live apart during this dissolution proceeding, they shall assist their children in having contact with both parties, which is consistent with the habits of the family, personally, by telephone, and in writing unless there is a prior court order."
Since abuse occurs primarily through the manipulation of the custody issue, making sure that both parties obey Item #11 is essential.
How do you go about doing this? You write down an agreement for how you are going to handle the contacts between parent and child and stick to it. Otherwise, if it isn't written down, you will have endless trouble.
When I was going through my divorce, I benefited from Item #11, but given the fact that I continued to have ongoing problems in that area with my ex playing games and switching his plans around, clearly the language of Item #11 wasn't strong enough.
Here my attorney was seriously negligent, and I would suspect for a reason, because he was happy to have my ex and I fighting so that he could make more money.
What my attorney didn't tell me was that there is a Connecticut Statute, C.G.S. 46b-56 d,e,f which has provisions for a Parental Responsibility Plan during the pendente lite period (the period from when you filed for divorce until the marriage is dissolved). This Parental Responsibility Plan should be put into place pretty much right away within the first month or two after the filing for a divorce.
What the trial court asks you to do is have your Parental Responsibility Plan ready before the case management conference which takes place at the beginning of your case (see the small print under instructions at the top of the Court Form JD-FM-199 which is used for this purpose).
I want to tell you want a big difference such a Parental Responsibility Plan would have made had my ex and I had such a document at the beginning of our divorce. With agreements come, if not understanding, then a reasonable measure of peace between most parties.
I mean, some abusive exes are going to abuse no matter what there is out there, but for those who are only able to abuse by exploiting gray areas in relationships, that means the end of creating conflict, or a quick way to shut it down. The police come and you just pull out the plan and say this is what we agreed to. End of story.
I have to say after I switched attorneys, half a year into my divorce, when I walked into my next attorney's office he just laughed when he heard there was no Parental Responsibility Plan. It was that ridiculous to him that I did not have one.
Take it from me, a person who had the divorce from hell, if your attorney doesn't put a Parental Responsibility Plan on the table right away at the start of your divorce, you know he is negligent.
The contents of a parental responsibility plan are mandated by C.G.S. 46b-56d and include:
1) the schedule of the physical residence of the child or children during the year;
2) provisions allocating decision-making authority to one or both parents regarding the child's health, education and religious upbringing;
3) provisions for the resolution of future disputes between the parents, including, where appropriate, the involvement of a mental health professional or other parties to assist the parents in reaching a developmentally appropriate resolution to such disputes;
4) provisions for dealing with the parents' failure to honor their responsibilities under the plan;
5) provisions for dealing with the child's changing needs as the child grows and matures; and
6) provisions for minimizing the child's exposure to harmful parental conflict, encouraging the parents in appropriate circumstances to meet their responsibilities through agreements, and protecting the best interests of the child.
All of these elements are included on the "Proposed Parental Responsibility Plan" Form JD-FM-199 I mentioned earlier which is located at the following link:
There is one very crucial exception, however, when it comes to the way in which Form JD-FM-199 translates Item #6 of the Connecticut Statute.
Each of the Items in the Connecticut Statute requires that the parties specifically state what they intend to do to meet each provision of the law, and the court form asks the parties to do just that in Items #1 through #5.
However, when it comes to Item #6, probably the most important in the whole list when it comes to protecting the wellbeing of the children, the court form does not require the parties to state specifically what they intend to do to meet those goals.
Instead, the court form puts the word "other" down, and then translates the Connecticut General Statute in the following manner:
The statement from the Statute as follows: "Provisions for minimizing the child's exposure to harmful parental conflict" in the court form becomes "The child(ren)'s exposure to harmful parental conflict will be minimized."
Well, how will that be done?
What specific provisions will be put into place to achieve those goals?
The Connecticut Statute as written asks for what specific steps the parents are going to take to get the job done. But, interestingly enough, the Court Form itself does not ask for specific steps. Why not?
Let's try the rest of this section of the law. Item #6 in the Connecticut Statute states, "Provisions for...encouraging the parents in appropriate circumstances to meet their responsibilities through agreements." is translated in the court Form into "the parents will, in appropriate circumstances, meet their responsibilities through agreements"
Yes, so what the law actually wants to know is not that the parents will do that, but HOW will they do that?
And finally, the Connecticut Statute states, "Provisions for...protecting the best interests of the child." which the court forms translate into "both parents will protect the best interests of the child."
Again, saying parents will do something, is not the same as stating HOW they intend to do something, and getting parents to answer the question of HOW is the the actual intention of the law underlying this form.
I'll bet there is an very interesting story behind the way in which the Connecticut Statute was translated onto the form JD-FM-199 in such a way as to get the Statute off track in such a significant manner. The way this has been done undercuts the core values behind the Statute which is to protect and safeguard the best interests of the children and to reduce harm to the children wherever possible.
Why wouldn't those who are creating these court forms for that specific purpose use languaging and formating that adheres to that of the original statute and would maximize the possibility of obtaining those results? Because clearly this is not what they have done. Instead, they have created a great big loophole for abusers to slip through in order to avoid accountability.
Of course, this is something I would only say of the unknowing. You who have read this article, who have come to familiarize yourselves with the Connecticut Statute in this blog, can now approach your attorney and insist that everyone respond to the spirit of this legislation and put specific provisions under Item #6 "Other" on the Court Form.
Make sure that YOU insist upon stating specifically what each party will do concretely in order to achieve the goals in that section.
Don't be satisfied by some canned, aspirational statement which is easy for your ex to ignore. Once you do that, once you have a fully developed Parental Responsibility Plan, you are half the way there to making sure your divorce remains civilized. And I can assure you that is well worth the effort, not only for your own sanity, but for the good of your children.
