WHY WE STAY

I was only able to leave my ex husband after several friends urged me to leave, pointing out to me the ways in which he was abusive. They told me to consider the impact, not only on my long term mental health, but also on my children.

I knew that my ex husband was abusive, but then there were the good times we had as well. Whenever I considered leaving because of something terrible he had done to me, I would think about, maybe the one thing that he'd done in the last six months, one moment of levity or something nice he had done with the children. I would say to myself, well, he may not be a good husband, but he is a good father.

And I was always aware of exactly how dangerous he was--always in the back of my mind there was this lurking understanding that if I left him, he would exact revenge. Within months after I had left, I was embroiled in this legal war of attrition which I have described in some detail in the pages of this blog.

Right away, I told my friends who had urged me to leave my ex husband, things like: "It's your fault. You told me to leave him. You knew that he was a monster and he would make me pay for leaving him. You never, ever challenge a man like my ex directly in the way I have now. He will kill me in the end." Somehow I'd had this idea, which continued to linger in my consciousness, that I could control my ex husband's abusive behavior by staying in the marriage and just avoiding problems.

I had ideas such as that I could change him, that I could tone down his behavior, that one day he would understand how badly he had behaved and come to his senses. My parents said things to me like, "Well, he just likes to have his dinner on time, and you could be a little more consistent in when you put it on the table." They were always explaining away the way he ordered me around, the way he made belittling and vicious remarks to me, and the way he hid what was going on from me, particularly when it came to financial matters. My ex could be very charming and persuasive, sending them flowers at Christmas, and so he was very believable when he complained about me.

Meanwhile, he was exhausting me by all of his demands and I wasn't receiving essential medical and dental care and the result was that I was run down and overwhelmed. Once I left him, I was diagnosed with diabetes and began to receive treatment for this condition. Looking back I have no doubt that I was suffering from this condition years before it was diagnosed, but I had to leave him in order to get proper treatment. I have no doubt that had I continued to stay I would have ended up with additional medical problems and might even have died earlier than I should.

I still wonder whether leaving my ex husband was the right thing to do. I worry about how this leaves, in particular, my children with economic challenges they never would have faced had I not left him. I'm free of him, but I'm also broke, and I have endured severe legal abuse from a judicial system that is incapable of addressing the issues of women who are abused as I am. I feel saddened at times by how the legal system could revictimize not only me, but also my children.

My ex husband is a monster. Who knows what else he could still do. Yes, I live with that fear. Still, I am empowered now in a way I never was before. Daily I am able to make my own decisions about my life in a way my ex never allowed me to when I was married. I'm not tense, rushed and stressed out the way I used to be. I hug my kids freely and I can focus on their needs, unlike before. I am not having constant fender benders with my car. Thank God for these small things that make my life better in modest, but significant ways.

Most important, I've said to my children, my family, friends and colleagues these lies have to stop, the abuse has to stop. It is not acceptable. That is the standard I live by. On the other hand, I have had to pay a high price for the freedom I have now, so when other women express doubts and are unsure whether they should leave abusive husbands, I don't judge them. I understand, because the freedom they reach for could cost them everything they have and some more.