TIMING, A TICK A TOCKA, TIMING!

When you start the proceedings in a divorce, the way it is supposed to happen according to the timing is you are supposed to initiate discovery--by discovery I generally mean obtain financial information necessary to put together your financial agreement--and work on a parenting access plan at the same time.  

This means that information regarding finances and information regarding parenting is emerging at pretty much the same time volleying back and forth between the parties in the same way that a tennis match involves volleying.  This maintains a nice balance of power and a steady emergence of information that is beneficial to establishing a good rhythm to the proceedings so that when the time comes both sides are prepared to write up a fair and equitable final agreement.  

However, as you know, particularly when it comes to what happens to women in family court, and particularly in regard to what happens in a high conflict divorce, these kinds of nice arrangements fall apart.  What often occurs is that all financial matters are placed to the side while the entire legal focus is placed on establishing a parenting agreement regarding the children.  

This places the entire focus on, guess who, the Mom, who has most of the time done all the work when it comes to taking care of the children.  All of a sudden Dad, who couldn't give a sh*t before, is suddenly concerned about this or that way in which Mom handles the children.  All of a sudden every little thing that Mom has been doing is under exaggerated scrutiny.  

Did Mom ever let Junior take little sister off the bus one day--Oh, my God--Mom is parentifying Junior!  Did the puppy ever shit on the rug when it was being toilet trained? Oh my God--there are faeces all over the house!  Did Mom ever see a therapist?  Oh my God--she is crazy!  And, on and on, for month after month.  Has Mom been providing home cooked meals during the pendente lite period?  She'd better be, disregarding the fact that Dad has probably not been providing the money to pay for them.  All of this is taken very seriously by the custody evaluator and by the GAL and that is no joke.  

After months of being hammered away at by the ex's high priced lawyer most women are totally exhausted by the time the parenting agreement gets signed and by then, during the months that the legal focus has been on the children and Mom's behavior, most abusive spouses have had sufficient time to hide much of the marital assets, and most women are too exhausted to look for them, aside from the fact that they are too fearful to press too hard on the subject because they are afraid that bringing it up will lead their exes to continue to call their custody of the children into question.

Furthermore, the majority of parenting plans drawn up in a high conflict divorce include an additional clause that the issue of custody will be reevaluated within six months which means that Mom remains standing with a gun to her head in regard to the children.  And for women, what matters more than your children--nothing really, and don't guys know it.  

Oh, and by the way, if you can make sure there is no such followup clause in your parenting agreement, the more power to you. When I agreed to one in mine, I did so because I was unaware of what would happen as a result.  

 

 

Now that YOU know, don't be as stupid as I was!

I had a sense that timing would be a problem when my whole divorce started and I said to my lawyer why don't we start with the financial matters first, because that will expose my ex's character--the way he has hidden our finances from me, refused to abide by agreements, defrauded the IRS, and generally engaged in questionable business practices.  Then the focus would have been on him.  

But no, nothing I said could reverse the order of the proceedings and I ended up with a really bad financial agreement for exactly the reasons I've described.  I've seen this happening all around with women who are engaged in high conflict divorces.  For the court system, for lawyers, it's just business as usual!