As you know this is the season when students who have been accepted to prep schools and students who have been accepted to colleges visit campuses around the country to obtain information necessary to make informed decisions. It is a very difficult but exciting time when children and parents join together in making vital decisions that will affect the lives of students for years to come.
I have a friend who told me this story about what happened with her when she took her daughter across country to look at a college campus. Tell me what you think. Is what happened to her abuse or simple annoyance?
In this situation, my friend, Wendy, has joint custody with her X. Quite recently, Wendy and her daughter, Susie (18), travelled to another state at quite a distance in order to visit a college campus where her daughter Susie had been admitted. Susie was in the enviable position of having to choose between three colleges that had very fine reputations and she wanted to visit each campus to make the very best choice.
Now Susie has two younger siblings, Johnny (12) and Peter (14) who love to play baseball. During the baseball season, Wendy and her X have an agreement that they will do everything they can to make sure that the boys make baseball games despite the fact that the X lives three hours away. This means that on every other weekend during the baseball season the X only takes part of his visitation or travels to Wendy's to see the children at their home. Not actually in their home, but he will stay at a hotel nearby.
On the weekend Wendy and Susan were leaving on their trip, it was not a weekend for the X's visitation. However, when Wendy's X found out that Wendy and Susie were leaving to take a look at a college, he decided that he wanted to have the boys come and visit him. He insisted that it was not appropriate for Wendy's partner to take charge of the boys while she and Susie were away.
Not wanting to create a problem, Wendy agreed that on Friday night her partner would bring the boys to the agreed upon drop off point at 7:00 pm, their usual time, with the understanding that her X would bring the boys back for a baseball game at noon on Sunday. With that agreement in place, Wendy left on her trip Thursday evening intending to return on Sunday night.
Then during the day on Friday, Wendy received a text from her son, Peter, saying that he just received an email that he was invited by his coach to participate in an extra three hours of pitching and batting practice and he asked if he could stay at home and not go to visitation that weekend. Wendy said she would check with his Dad and to wait for an answer until Dad could respond. Wendy then texted her X and also left a message on his voice mail stating what was going on.
Then Wendy continued on with the tour of the college campus. She didn't hear anything until 5:00pm when she received a short text from her X stating it was OK. Wendy then called her son, Peter, and said it was OK for him to stay at home and that he did not need to go on the visitation. It would have been better if coach had given more advanced notice, but unfortunately that didn't happen. Wendy then continued on assuming everything was going fine.
Later on at 5:15pm Wendy received a phone call from her partner saying that her X was demanding that Peter go along to visitation. Wendy assured her partner that she had a text indicating her X had agreed Peter could stay at home. Despite his skepticism, Wendy's partner agreed to just take the younger child, Johnny, to the meeting point. Then at 7:00pm Wendy received several phone calls from her X demanding why she had allowed Peter to stay at home, and insisting he had never agreed to have the child stay back. He insisted that he wanted both children for visitation and that Peter would have to miss the special baseball practice session.
When Wendy reminded her X of his text indicating he'd agreed to the arrangement, he denied he had ever sent it saying, "You're crazy, why would I ever agree to such a thing!" Then Wendy's X insisted that he was going to go to Wendy's house personally in order to pick Peter up, and he then made two phone calls to Peter insisting the child pack his bags and be ready. Then Peter called up his Mom and asked what was going on, saying to her "Didn't Dad agree to have me stay? Were you lying when you said I could stay" Peter then went on to express his disappointment that he would have to leave town because he was eager to participate in the special practice.
Meanwhile, Wendy was in a panic that if her X was going to her house to pick Peter up personally, he might go inside the house and take her belongings without permission, something he had done several times in the past. So then, despite her misgivings, she had to tell her son, "If your Dad does come to the door, even if he knocks and calls your name and says he knows you are in there, and asks you to open the door, you are to stay in your room, and do not answer the door. Are all the doors locked? If they are not locked, lock them now. Do not do anything unless my partner arrives and tells you what to do."
As it turned out, it was all a false alarm, because even while Wendy's X was threatening to go right to Wendy's house to pick up Peter he was on his way to his own home with Johnny, making his threats on his cell phone all the way there.
Meanwhile, Wendy was trying to reach her partner on his cell phone, trying to talk down her X, and speak to Peter right in the middle of her tours of the campus so she and her daughter were surrounded by strangers even as she was having these conversations. This meant that the people around her were hearing her private business and also she missed a good deal of what was said during the tours so she lost important information that would have been helpful for her to know. Plus, of course, there was all this stress of trying to manage a situation from several states away.
The next day, Saturday, Wendy received another email from her X saying that Johnny had decided he didn't want to go to the baseball game Sunday after all and that he would miss the game. In response, Wendy left a text and a message on her X's phone stating that Johnny was a pitcher in the Sunday game and the team would be let down if he didn't show up. Also, when Peter heard of the idea Wendy's X had not to bring Johnny back from the game, he also called up his Dad and said that Johnny was irreplaceable to the team and that was important he be there for the game. (Both Wendy and Peter assumed that the idea Johnny didn't want to go was nonsense, and when they later checked that point with Johnny, it turned out they would right.)
This led to a situation where Wendy's X called up the coach and argued about whether he ought to bring Johnny back for the game on Sunday or not. Meanwhile, hearing the plans his Dad had not to allow him home for the Sunday game, Johnny became very upset and called his Mom and his Mom's partner crying. Finally, Wendy's X did return Johnny home so that he could play in his game, but he was late dropping Johnny off which was really disruptive to the team because the coach didn't know for sure if Johnny would be there until pretty much when Johnny arrived.
Again, all Sunday morning there were informational meetings Wendy and Susie had to go to, all of which were interrupted by phone calls and texts as a consequence of Wendy's X's grandstanding. Meanwhile, this was a weekend when the X didn't even have visitation and Wendy was just trying to be flexible and courteous in allowing her X to have the children.
So what do you think, guys, is this abuse or is it simply annoyance? How would you characterize this? Should Wendy have handled the situation differently?
What about situations where you want to be fair, but the children have more activities, naturally, in their home town with their residential parent, and the non custodial parent will end up being short changed in some ways inevitably unless he is willing to be flexible. So, how can you deal with that?
And does the fact that a non custodial parent will sometimes be short changed justify the kind of behavior Wendy's X got up to?
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