SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW, SOMETHING WRITTEN...OOPS!

As you can see, I am a writer.  Give me an excuse and I'll be off writing.  It is almost a compulsion.  Sort of an OCD thing.  I'm sure many of the folks reading my blog are writers also.  And the question for me and for you people that write is, what happens to writers during the course of a high conflict divorce? 

The answer is, you get trashed!  Again, let's go back to the original premise of my blog, which is that men who are abusive are ordinarily narcissistic.  It is standard for men like this to begin planning for a divorce years in advance of when they actually follow up by filing for one.  So what does this mean concretely? 

This means that, over the years, while you were married to your ex, if you were putting down on paper any creative work that could be compromising to you in family court, he has probably been collecting it in a file and will use it later on in the custody evaluation or at trial. 

Sources of written material could be anywhere.  They could be comments you posted on social websites such as twitter, myspace, and facebook, etc.  If your ex ever had passwords to your accounts, he could have been printing them out and storing them for years. 

They could come from email.  If you were doing what I often did, printing out my emails immediately after I wrote them and putting them in a file, your ex could have raided that file and obtained copies of those documents as well, all of which could be used against you in trial.  Your ex could also get a copy of the hard drive of your computer when you are out going grocery shopping or something.  My ex repeatedly demanded copies of the hard drive of my computer in discovery requests, not only in motions, but in demands he made to the judge.

 

 

Other sources your ex could raid are your notebooks or loose papers where you put your story ideas or investigation of possible phrases and words you might have wished to use at a later time.  Journal entries in notebooks, or your morning pages.  You might also have material that could be copied from old fashioned floppy disks or flashdrives.  

If you are one of these verbal types you might have tape recorded yourself telling a story or pretending to be a character in one of your books, or just reflecting on life in general.  

 

 

You may have written personal letters to friends, acquaintences, your therapist, mentors, family members and then kept copies or your ex was able to make copies before you sent them.  If you are like me, you might put greeting cards on display and some of those cards can have content that your ex might consider using against you.  

Now, before you say something like that isn't possible, or anything I have written is perfectly harmless, or why would anyone take an interest in my useless ramblings, think more deeply.  

Have you ever written anything, anything at all, for example, talking about the conflict you have between your creative work versus parenting you children?  Well, if the custody evaluator read it, could he conceivably conclude you are dissatisfied with being a mother?  

Have you ever written in the first person when describing the thoughts and feelings of a character in a novel of yours who fell into the dark depths of despair, perhaps this character even considered suicide?  Be prepared to have an excerpt of that presented to the judge at trial as an example of your own personal reflections about your own life.  

Take a look at any number of phrases or paragraphs or ruminations you've dumped onto the page over the years and imagine them recontextualized in order to prove you are a bad mother and a terrible citizen.  The jokes, the off color remarks, the wild imaginings, the iconoclastic positions you've taken, the antiestablishment manifestos--all of that can and will be used against you in a court of law.  

Yes, I know you have been brought up with ideas about your constitutional right to the freedom of the press and you have marinated in concepts such as the right to freedom of expression since birth, at least if you live in the State of CT.  But what you have to keep in mind is that all those rights go completely out of the window as soon as you enter family court.  And by completely, I mean COMPLETELY.  

As a fellow writer, I sympathize with how confused and upset this blog about writing must make you.  I personally felt raped and violated when I found out that my ex was using my writing against me, that the custody evaluator in my case was quoting it out of context.  It was probably the worst single thing that happened to me in my entire divorce.  But do not allow yourself to be a victim in this situation.  

As soon as possible, take steps to safeguard all of your written work. I am not going to tell you where to go or what to do, but locate a place where you can store all of your written work and make sure that no one, most specifically your abuser knows where it is.  

Place all of your downloaded writing, all floppy disks and flashdrives, tape recordings and everything in this hidden location.  

Do all of your computer work on a computer in a public library, and participate in social networking on the computer using a fake name.  

Conceal, conceal and conceal again.  

In fact, don't even let your ex know you write.  Go out of the house and out of his sight when you do your written work.  For us compulsives, I know that is hard.  But if you want to survive and you want your children to survive, this is what you have got to do.

If, despite everything you have done to protect yourself, you get caught with some compromising writing in the wrong hands then deny, deny, deny.  Just keep on repeating, "it's all my creative imagination."  I ended up repudiating a good deal of my social commentary and attributed it to my youth and lack of experience.  

For a writer, a situation like that is just like having to repudiate your own children.  I still live with the pain and the shame that were the result of that repudiation.  Like Rachel, I weep for these children, and cannot be comforted.  If I had protected myself early, if I had been cautioned of this danger, as I caution you now, I would not have had to go through this.  

So be warned.