It is really bad when you end up in a high conflict divorce. It's bad for you and it is bad for your kids. But these are not the only victims of a high conflict divorce. Another group of victims in a high conflict divorce are the grandparents, your parents.
If we were disappointed at the outcome of our marriage, the loss of hope, the loss of expectations, the loss of security both financial and emotional, the loss of faith in our legal system and in the mental health system, how much more so are our parents going to feel these things as they watch what we are going through.
What is worse for many grandparents in this situation is that they have absolutely no standing in court and they are literally helpless to act in response to the abuses they see going on in front of them, abuses to their daughters and grandchildren for which there is no remedy.
What I see as the worst problem here is that many grandparents are called upon to contribute financially to assist their daughters who are trapped in high conflict divorces, and yet the fact that they support their daughters could ultimately undermine their attempts to help. On the one hand, if there are parents with sufficient money, lawyers will calculate into their plans for obtaining child support and alimony, particularly during the pendente lite period, the assumption that grandparents can act as fall back support should their daughters run out of money. Furthermore, if the opposing attorney and/or the court come to believe that there are grandparents with money standing behind their daughters, they will assume that there is little need for child support and alimony because they can simply rely on grandparents to provide it. As a result, women who have parents who support them in significant ways financially will find themselves barred from obtaining fair and equitable financial settlements.
On the other hand, they can withhold financial support to convince the attorneys and the court how important it is to ensure their daughters receive fair and just financial settlements, but then these women won't be able to pay for food, housing, or legal expenses necessary to make it through the pendente lite period intact.
However, if they provide the support, it will look as though they have endless money bags to provide their daughters and that, consequently, the ex husband does not need to make any reasonable contribution. Lawyers will often continue to litigate a divorce until they have gone through all the daughters' financial resources and that of the grandparents as well. Then they settle--badly.
Without decent financial settlements, women in high conflict divorces as well as their children end up having to rely on grandparents for substantial financial support for years after the divorce. But how many grandparents can truly afford to provide that kind of financial support over a long period of time?
When grandparents see their daughters in a situation where they can't feed or house their grandchildren because of a lack of money, and when they see that their daughters may lose custody because they can't pay their lawyers, then they empty out their bank accounts trying to come to their children and grandchildren's aid, many at a time when they desperately need that money for their retirement. It is a brutal catch 22.
If their daughters lose custody of the children, these grandparents may never have the opportunity to see their grandchildren again, because they have no legal rights, and they have even less ability to influence an ex husband who is hell bent on eliminating the mother from the lives of the children and in eliminating the mother inevitably eliminate the grandparents as well.
What a way to spend your old age, living with a daily tragedy, the loss of access to your grandchildren, and the daily observation of how your former son in law tortures your child. And you are too old and you no longer have the pull to do anything about it.
Yes, there is much that grandparents can do to support their children and grandchildren. They can speak to the custody evaluator and the GAL in support of their daughter. They can provide a supportive presence in court by sitting and watching the court proceedings and they can express the faith they have in their child on a frequent basis. Such actions do have an influence for the better in the end.
However, watching a daughter go through a high conflict divorce is a very traumatic experience for any grandparents to go through and the scars, both emotional and financial, often endure for a long time afterwards.
Great post. But I disagree that grandparents have "absolutely no standing" in court; they do for visitation with their grandkids and other some circumstances, even custody (rare, but if the parents are rendered "unfit" grandparents have standing to get custody.) Most state statutes say so. But then they have to then show that the visitation is in the best interest of the children.
ReplyDeleteWith regard to watching their daughters get cremed by the system? well, that's another matter, isn't it? That one is tough. Interesting point, though about how the system can read the grandparents money as the daughter not needed as much spousal support.
In Connecticut, Grandparents cannot trump the biological father, and if the biological father says the grandparents can't have visitation, then there is no way the grandparents can get visitation. The only way a biological father would not be considered for custody and the grandparents would is if the father has been involved in unsavory behavior that the court recognizes as unsavory, and this latter is the vital point. In that case, grandparents could obtain custody. Still the grandparents support of their daughter is a factor considered in custody so if grandparents back up their daughters, those daughters are more likely to obtain custody. My father put in a call to the custody evaluator in the last few weeks of the evaluation just to support my position and explain what a great mother I am and I believe this made a substantial difference in terms of me getting custody. Your points are well taken. Thanks for commenting!
ReplyDeleteWhat if it the daughter telling your 4 year old grandaughter terrible things that are not true and as a mother of a daughter who does nothing but bash the ones who have taken care of them what must you do in this case and by the way there is alot more to this story?
ReplyDeleteI think the most difficult position to be in when there is a divorce, particularly when there are children being hurt, when parents are not taking the responsibility they should, when the good parents are being excluded from the lives of their children, is that of a Grandparent. Few people understand how much the Grandparents are hurt, exactly at a time when they should be able to sit back and enjoy the fruit of a lifetime of hard work and effort. Then to be in a position where there is nothing you can do to help, or when you try to help lawyers and/or the corrupt legal system takes every dime you've spent a life time earning, there is no greater tragedy. Grandparents more than any other group are among the most hurt by high conflict divorce. My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteare you aware that your hero, Mr. Michael Nowacki, is attempting to get the grandparents of his children in criminal trouble with the IRS and other tax authorities? In short, he's trying to hurt his ex wife by going after her parents, the grandparents of his children?
ReplyDeleteI am aware of assets which were not reported on the ex wife's financial affidavits. There is nothing more annoying than that to a litigant--finding out that you were deceived.
ReplyDeleteMy parents were the other caregivers when we first divorced. Their father was not around until he found a way to "destroy me" He was able to get an order of no contact with my parents which is so sad because they were their joy. I see the sadness draining every one and like Satan he keeps smiling and going to baseball games, There is no greater evil than an abusive man. He destructs human beings and he is not human himself. I pray constantly to free my children from this horrible life of fear and control. I tried to save them I should have stayed and let him hurt me at least I could have them with me and I could protect them better. There is no help for domestic violence. Its be dead or be dying you choose.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely hear you. Having a husband or ex husband in your life who is an abuser is a life sentence. And yes, they go to baseball games, smile and act charming, even as they stick in the knife. They cause endless harm to you, your parents, your children, and only a few people actually know how evil they are because they are so good at hoodwinking people.
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