THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL BAD

I was at the doctor's office yesterday and, talking about things that make me feel bad, I just want you guys to know that I weigh altogether too much.  Ever since my divorce broke out years ago, I have gained approximately 45 pounds of pure flubber.  The reason why is because every time I have trouble thinking through a legal problem in one of my motions, I have a bad habit of opening up a bar of chocolate just to help me in my thought processes, so to speak.  So now I've had to buy a whole new wardrobe in 1X, luckily on sale, but still, that's expensive, so that makes me feel bad as well. 

The other thing that gets me down is that look on my doctor's face when I told her my divorce was still going on.  Some people, she says looking at me meaningfully, figure out that they should just cut their losses and move on!  If only I could.  What is it you are fighting about now?  She asks.  My mind goes over the last few years and quickly touches upon all the areas of litigation that are currently open.  My heart sinks.

I looked at her dismayed guinea pig face with that earnest look enveloping it and wondered, does she have the rest of the day to listen to what is going on now?  I mean seriously?  Honestly?  Concluding quickly that she did not have the time I cut my description of my case really short and said something vague like,  "Well, he keeps on taking me to court."  And also, "There are just quite a few ongoing proceedings in the case." 

"But you are divorced, aren't you?" asked the good doctor.  That's the thing that puzzles so many people.  But you are divorced--right?  What possible legal action could take place after you are  divorced?  And the implication goes further, "Unless you are chasing after your poor old ex and trying to hurt him, you mean old bitchy ex wife?" 

It is unspoken, but definitely there.  Why else would you keep litigating in Trial Court with your ex for so long.  There has to be something the matter with you.  This, my dears, is one of the things that make me feel bad more than anything else.  I hate that look, the once over with the eyes, the judgment, the condemnation which leaves me spluttering with some kind of defensive comment on the level of, "I really am a good person.  I really, really am.  I know you don't think so, but I actually am not responsible for what has gone on." 

But that usually incoherent conglomeration of rolling explanations usually goes unnoticed because people who have made up their minds about you have made up their minds, and nothing you say, nothing about how well you dress or how well you speak or how clean and well scrubbed your children are will make any difference. 

The worst of it is, ok, here is my confession, don't hate me too much, the bottom line is that I'm not in court about the children any more, I am in court about money.  Yes, money, filthy lucre, you are correct.  I won the child custody thing a long time ago, but then this thing about unreported bank accounts showed up and I was off and running. 

Now, if I knew how the courts would turn the financial issue into the most ridiculous example of the court and attorneys churning a case for all the money it is worth, I wouldn't have touched litigation with a ten foot pole.  But at the time I had no clue, and now I'm stuck with it.  Because if I stop, I have a mountain of debt that will fall onto me and my children that is so great that we will be impoverished for the rest of our lives.  

So there you have it folks, I am not nobly seeking the custody of my children, I'm just trying to hold off debt and grab hold of money.  Talking about things that make me feel bad.  That certainly makes me feel bad. 

Somehow there is something squalid and ignoble about insisting on your fair share of the money in a divorce.   You should just walk away with nothing, hold your head up high and let him be the rich scumbag and be satisfied with that.  Of course, it is hard to feed and clothe and house young children when your only coin is pride. 

It's like the people who judge me about insisting on litigating over money don't see that a victory in custody when you are living in a dump without any food and no hope for the future because you can't pay for it really isn't much of a victory.  Plus, if you don't have any money, even if you have the children in the custody arrangement, if you can't afford to provide a roof over their heads or pay their basic expenses, you won't be holding onto the kids for very long.  None of that computes for all the people who try to made me feel bad, who indeed succeed in making me feel bad about fighting for the money. 

I have enemies.  No, seriously, I actually do.  One of them called me the other day and in so many words asked me why I'm not on the street by now considering the length and complexity of the litigation I've undergone.  And I'll tell you why I'm not on the street.  It's because I worked my butt off.  Because I did the intellectual equivalent of lifting up a car with my bare hands, all for my children. 

But still, when I try to explain that to strangers, to acquaintances who don't know me well, to people who actually think our judicial system actually acts judicially, and I see the judgment in their faces, I'll tell you guys, I feel really bad, disheartened, unworthy.  I feel that way even though I shouldn't, because I tell you, money is essential to the happiness and wellbeing of my children. 

What would I do without money for their medicines, for soap, toothpaste, the cost of which I tell you, adds up. Without money, these kids wouldn't be anywhere, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a gosh darned liar, in my opinion.  Not that we can't live reduced life styles, but live without shelter, food, or clothing, live without gas to put in your car, or even without a car--not in your life, baby. 

Ok, but even if, I grant you, I wasn't fighting for the basics, but instead I was fighting so my daughter could have the same birthday party celebration her best friend had, or so that my other daughter can plan on going to the same kind of college her girlfriends are planning on going to, or if I was fighting so that my girls could go to that educational summer camp that will give them a boost in their CMT scores, or if I was fighting for the horseback riding lessons my youngest daughter always wanted, would that be so awful.  Would you condemn me?  Would you want to use that information to make me feel bad about myself?  Because, yes, sometimes I've been fighting to get money for just those kinds of things.  I'll admit it.

Finally, I always imagined that if I divorced, my divorce would be amicable.  I hoped that I would impress people with how simple it would be, and how quickly my ex and I would come to agreement, and then I thought people would be impressed with how maturely I handled the situation. Unfortunately, with a psychopath and a manipulator who drags litigation out in each and every technical detail, a situation that will never happen.  

By now years have gone by, the legal issues have become very complex and hard to explain.  And it is easy for people to jump to the conclusion that I'm just the evil ex wife.  And  when I try to explain to people that my ex lied and cheated, that he deceived me for years, that he is able to manipulate within the legal system on an ongoing basis and get away with murder to the point where I am trapped in a cycle of litigation I can't get out of, they simply don't believe me.

They think that I must be doing something wrong to be in the position I am in.  And that truly makes me feel bad.  I wish I lived in a different world, a world where it isn't OK to abuse women and children within the legal system, where it isn't OK to stand back and watch people like me suffer and do nothing, a world where psychopaths don't have the freedom to abuse as they please within the judicial system. But that is not the world that I live in.  And yes, that makes me feel very bad. 

But I hold onto my conviction that I am doing the very best for  my children, and that one day they will understand the principles that drove me to take the actions that I did.  How much I loved them, how much I have always loved them, that I would do anything for them. It is a small hope, but it is an inspiring one.  So when my children return from visitation, and make critical and mocking remarks that make me feel bad, and tell me, "Why don't you just leave Dad alone and stop causing him trouble in court." I take comfort in the fact that the work I do fighting for my rights in court, working as an advocate and writing this blog will make a difference in the lives of other people who are going through the same things that I am going through, and that one day my children will see that.

So what is it that makes you feel bad?  Let us know so we can examine the issue and see what we can do about it!