I might as well say right now that I have been a victim of domestic violence and so in writing this I am speaking from my own personal experience. I won't say it was from my marriage because I don't want to get into that. But let us say that I was subjected to violence before I got married and we'll call the guy who did it Tom.
One of the things I remember about Tom the most, aside from how strong he was, is that he never took responsibility for his actions. Whenever he beat me up, it was always my fault that it happened. One time I can recall I was sitting in a chair reading a book and Tom threw a full can of soda at me which would have hurt me seriously if it had hit me. Luckily, I ducked and the soda can sailed through the window completely smashing the window pane.
Tom had the window repaired and kept following me around afterward asking me to pay half the cost of the window saying it was partially my fault that it got broken. I still give myself credit for not agreeing to do so.
This is why I am particularly upset with the fact that yesterday former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice won the appeal of his indefinite suspension from football.
More than anything else, the inept way in which this case has been handled is very frustrating. What occurred in this case reflects a completely inadequate understanding of what domestic violence is all about. But before I proceed with those ideas, let me just review exactly what happened.
Apparently, both Ray Rice and his then fiancé Janay Palmer had been out socializing with some friends; they acknowledge they had been drinking. As Janay describes it, the two were generally bad tempered with each other when they returned to their hotel and got on the elevator to go back to their room.
Once on the elevator, she says that she made a grab for Ray's cell phone and he spat at her. She then slapped him, and in return he knocked her unconscious. However, she is rather vague about her memory of what happened because she says when she woke up, she was in a fog.
Other versions I've heard of the story say that she spat at him. The video is grainy and Ray Rice had a hat on. He is also quite bulky so it is hard to see what the interaction was--who spit at whom, who slapped whom. Who knows exactly, but it is certain from the video that Janay was charging in Ray's direction just before he knocked her out.
You also can't be sure what the two were talking about before their argument got physical--perhaps that might provide some clarity. But the fact is, Ray Rice knocked Janay out and then dragged her off the elevator and left her face down on the floor for several minutes with her skirt riding up so high that you can literally see her underpants. This is pretty degrading and humiliating in and of itself.
A hotel security officer then showed up and questioned Ray Rice about what was going on. From what you can see, it does not look as though either showed evidence of any concern regarding Janay's wellbeing while they were standing there.
Subsequently, the police arrived and took Ray Rice and Janay Palmer to the police station where they were both arrested--Ray for aggravated assault and Janay for simple assault, although the latter charge was later dropped quietly. Subsequently, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodall gave Ray Rice a two game suspension for his actions which was later expanded into an indefinite suspension in the face of the general public outcry against such a light punishment.
Meanwhile, the NFL pressured Janay to apologize for her behavior at a press conference as if she was the one who committed the wrongdoing.
And now, just yesterday, Ray Rice succeeded in getting his suspension overturned by U.S. District Judge Barbara Jones. Is there any better way to demonstrate judicial indifference towards victims of domestic violence, and send the message that we just don't care?
In regard to the criminal charges against Ray Rice, those charges were also dropped and instead Ray Rice was allowed to enter a pre-trial intervention program for first time offenders which requires him to stay out of trouble for a year and obtain counseling with his now wife, Janay, who was the victim of his assault.
The question I have, and the question I suspect many other people have is: why isn't this man in jail?
It is bad enough that the National Football League was so ready to sweep this incident under the rug. But the fact that Ray Rice got off so lightly says volumes about how indifferent the criminal justice system is towards victims of domestic violence.
In particular, if you look around courtrooms throughout the State of Connecticut you will see pamphlets and posters warning people against domestic violence. They could actually give you the impression that the State of Connecticut genuinely opposes domestic violence. But this is not truly the case.
Recently, a friend of mine who filed for divorce was attacked by her ex husband. He ended up smacking her around, inflicting bruises and breaking some of her ribs. You would think this would be enough to get him arrested and charged criminally. But no, when the police arrived on the scene, her ex stated to the police that she had slapped him and so the police decided to arrest both of them.
When they came to court, each was given a restraining order against the other as if they had both committed crimes of equal severity. Yet there was no evidence that my friend had slapped her ex at all except his personal statement. Furthermore, this is what I don't get--there is every difference between a slap versus knocking a person unconscious, covering them with bruises or breaking their ribs. Still, all an abusive man has to do to get further revenge once he has beaten up his wife is to humiliate her with an arrest by fabricating false charges such as "She slapped me first!".
This is why I find it ridiculous that the NFL put pressure on Janay Palmer to apologize for her behavior and act as though what she did is on an equal level with what Ray Rice did. She should not have been asked to apologize any more than I should have had Tom asking me to pay half the price of getting that window fixed.
The question is: Who is the victim here? And the answer is Janay Palmer, as I was in my day, and as my friend was who endured bruises and broken ribs.
No we do not share responsibility for those attacks against us. Why? You might ask. Because men are ten times stronger than women any day of the week.
And if you are going to dispute me on that, I will simply say that it is pretty clear that Ray Rice, as a trained football player, was definitely much stronger and bigger than Janay. My friend's soon to be ex-husband is a weight lifter.
I can recall trying to get help in getting Tom to stop and people would say to me, "Oh, but you are a such a big, strong girl, how can Tom get away with it?" implying that I had to be making the story up. It didn't matter how big and strong I was. Men are simply much, much stronger, bottom line. I found that out, and my friend with the bruises and broken ribs found it out as well, as did Janay Palmer.
People who think otherwise are watching too many staged versions of "Superwoman."
Earlier today, I drove by a Karate studio which had a big sign up advertising self defense classes for women. I would never waste my time taking a course like that. Sure you might learn how to do something unexpected that would buy you a little extra time, if you were assaulted. But, again, the bottom line is no woman is going to be able to fight a guy off who has decided to beat her up. What these courses do is give women a false sense of security they would be foolish to indulge in if they want to stay safe.
Women's advocates are working hard to improve the lives of women across the line. But no one can say we have dealt properly with violence against women until we can differentiate between a slap versus a punch, or even more wisely recognize that there is absolutely no possible explanation or excuse when a man beats up a woman. And no woman should have to apologize or face arrest simply because she is a victim.
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