NEGOTIATING FINANCIAL AGREEMENTS

As your divorce moves to a close, you and your ex will start to talk about the division of the marital assets which is ordinarily formalized in a financial agreement which becomes part of the dissolution agreement at the time of your divorce. This is when you will observe the following three elements line themselves up and play out in your life. They are: 1) the quid pro quo; 2) X-stasy; and 3) The bum's rush. Read up on what I say about these elements and see if you recognize them.

Quid Pro Quo: By the time you start talking about the financial agreement, most women in a high conflict divorce have been at it for well over a year. Your small stash of savings has run out, your children are beginning to show signs of the pressure, your bills are unpaid, your credit rating is destroyed and your lawyer is pissed off at you because you haven't paid his bill in months. Some of you may have health issues that have been left unattended, your car has broken down, and the plumbing doesn't work in the house, but you can't afford a repairman. That's when the lawyers in your case decide that it is time to resolve financial matters. Of course, there was no real reason why they couldn't have gotten you divorced in three months, but hey, it's more fun for those guys this way! Plus, they know that with all the financial pressure on you, it won't be long before you cave, and do they have an offer for you. Just agree to a shitty financial agreement and all the harassment will stop, at least for a little while! Oh, come on, did you really expect him to stop permanently? Read my lips, Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

X-tasy: All of a sudden, in the days leading up to the negotiation of your financial agreement, your ex will become really friendly towards you and find a way to chat with you amicably on the phone or linger and talk with you as you exchange the children. All of a sudden, again, after harassing and abusing you for months, he will become really sympathetic and start talking about how you both need to be on the same page for the sake of the children. He may say he is sick and tired of the constant litigation, which, after all was not his fault but the fault of the wicked lawyer who led him down the wrong path, which he now regrets. Yadda, yadda, yadda! You might even start basking in the warm deceptive, glow of, "Finally, he understands what a fool he's been!" Trust me, that'll last only until the ink is dry on your signature on you guy'ses financial agreement.

The Bum's Rush: This is when your lawyer comes at you with all guns blaring demanding that you agree to a particular division of the assets right away before you have a chance to think about it. You can be sure the agreement leaves you with next to nothing but your life. Up to this point, you may have discussed several financial options regarding the financial matters that need to be addressed in your dissolution agreement, ta dah!, now only one supremely logical one remains as far as your lawyer is concerned. In this version of events, you may even find that your lawyer will tell you that if you don't accept the agreement, then he won't represent you any longer. Any time you try to propose another alternative, the lawyer will answer with sentences like, "The judge will only agree to...", "The judge won't accept..." All right, already, when did your lawyer suddenly become the mouthpiece of the judge! 

What is most humiliating is that, once you have agreed to the division of assets as bad as it is, then you are required to go to court, grit your teeth and declare to the world your complete satisfaction with the agreement in what is known as...

...The Canvas: Once you have signed your financial agreement in preparation for the dissolution of your marriage, your options for renegotiating a settlement are significantly reduced. The are reduced down to almost nil when you get up on the stand just before the judge declares you divorced when you respond to the canvas. The canvas requires that you go point by point through your financial agreement and state out loud that you understand each item you agreed upon and that you have agreed upon it of your own free will. The judge will ask you whether you were satisfied with your representation by your lawyer, whether you are under any kind of duress or coercion when you signed the agreement, whether you are accepting the financial agreement of your own free will. You answer these questions under oath. That makes it a little difficult if you change your mind a few weeks later. Trust me it does. So do not sign this agreement thinking that you have have a chance to change your mind later, because the likelihood is that you won't be able to.

How can you avoid getting taken advantage of in a situation like this. Well, I don't have any great answers for you, to be honest. The reality is that if you don't do as you are told exactly as your lawyer tells you to do it, you are likely to face a situation where the lawyer will throw up his hands and withdraw from your case. And don't think he won't do it, because he will. He has had enough of you not paying his bill anyway. However, there are some ways to slow down the momentum so you don't end up damaged quite so badly and there is one countermeasure I can think of to improve your situation.

First, evade, avoid, and delay like mad whenever you are supposed to make a final decision. Say you have a headache and can't make up your mind just yet. Get lost in the traffic on the way to negotiations. When you are supposed to make a decision, get a case of food poisoning. That way you will get a little space and at least have time to think so that you might have a chance to point out to your lawyer in small ways how dumb he is being. Over time, some of that may sink in with the lawyer as you bob, sway and duck.

Second, hire a forensic accountant who is qualified to provide expert testimony. Even if it takes your last dime on earth DO IT. Have this accountant review your marital assets and determine the value of each of your joint assets and then write a recommendation on what would be a fair division of the assets based upon your circumstances. Such an accountant will most likely formulate a fair and equitable financial agreement. Do not tell your lawyer of your intention to do this until you have the report in your hand, then tell him about it. The fact that this expert accountant is an objective, independent party who is ready to go to court if necessary will be quite persuasive to everyone involved. Then, if you take this accountant along with you to court, my best bet is that your ex won't even want to go to trial, but will settle with you along the lines that the accountant recommends. No matter what your lawyer thinks, the judge will care much more about the accountant's testimony than that of anyone else.

Again, of course, I'm just talking about the possibilities, because with an abuser anything that can go wrong, often goes wrong.

Finally, keep in mind that statistics show that when a woman goes to trial she ends up with more money than when she doesn't. So if you can get your lawyer to litigate, litigate. Be judicious, because as I have said, you don't want to piss your lawyer off, but when you can, just threaten to go to trial. Lawyers hate it when you go to trial and so do judges. So make 'em miserable and make sure you get the money you deserve.

Ultimately, you may not be able to get a fair deal--shit happens--but at least if you try some of these suggestions, you may have some success. And if you don't, at least you didn't walk into the trap believing everything was just fine like some dumb sucker and that will make you feel a little better in the end--not much better, but a little, and a little is better than nothing.