THE CONSEQUENCES OF VICTIMIZATION

Those who face the devastation of a high conflict divorce and are traumatized not only by their abuser, but also by the system that cooperates with the abuser, often end up as victims of trauma.  


This trauma occurs because many women in these situations are falsely accused of being bad mothers and bad people based upon fabricated evidence.  They may have paid lawyers thousands and thousands of dollars who do nothing for them in return.  They see judges who refuse to do anything when abusers blatantly violate the agreements they have signed and/or cause harm to their children.  What is worse is when so many so called intelligent and educated professionals, many mental health professionals, appear to collaborate in causing harm and damage to the victim of a high conflict divorce and her children.  


Life under these circumstances is absolutely harmful and damaging. For women like this it is as though the whole world has fallen apart. 


What kinds of emotional and intellectual consequences do women suffer under these circumstances?  


First, there is a loss of that sense of invulnerability.  You may have thought that, "It can't happen to me." But it did happen to you, and now that you know it can, you always live in fear that it can happen again.  You lose the idea that you will ever again live in a safe world. 


Second, you lose the belief that the world is orderly and meaningful.  You ask yourself, "Why did this happen to me?"  Once you may have thought "If I try to be a careful, honest, and good person, I will avoid disaster." But once you have gone through the trauma of legal abuse, you realize that no amount of being a good person would have made a difference.  All of a sudden the world appears like a random, chaotic place where unanticipated disaster can strike at any moment.  


Third, you lose that sense that you are a good and strong person.  To a certain extent, even if you may deny it, most people don't think that good people will end up persecuted and humiliated privately and in public by an abuser.  So if you end up that way, then you might think, "What did I do, what sin did I commit, that I am being punished this way?" 


Forth, there is a loss of Self-Esteem because when you are victimized you end up feeling helpless, vulnerable, powerless and childlike.  You become needy for other peoples' attention and support and that doesn't feel good when you live in a culture that values self-sufficiency.  


Finally, many victims, particularly those in high conflict divorces, end up being forced to placate their abuser just in order to survive or keep their children or have the opportunity to see their children, and there is nothing more degrading than that.  


The end result is that many victims become isolated; they withdraw from other people because they are so ashamed.  They also become angry and enraged because their families may have let them down, their attorneys have often betrayed them, and the system has punished them without cause.  


Another source of great pain for victims is secondary wounding.  Secondary wounding occurs when people who have never been hurt deny that victims have been abused or make fun of them or disparage them when they report abuse.  


Secondary wounding occurs also because many professionals are simply unaware of what it going on in the family court system, or they don't know anything about domestic violence or child abuse and simply don't believe that it happened to the victim.  Other professionals are simply burned out and couldn't care less what victims are going through.  Also, there are those who believe that people only get what they deserve.  Thus, if there are people who suffer trauma that is because they deserved to suffer the trauma or because they were too stupid to protect themselves from it.  


For victims of trauma, what are some of the steps to healing from this kind of psychological damage?  


First, it is important to recognize what it is that you have gone through and identify what the consequences have been to your life and the way that you think about yourself.  


Second, let go of your sense of perfectionism.  Recognize that we live in an imperfect world and that there will always be mistakes and problems and that sometimes even you may be the source of them, but you as well as others have the right to forgiveness.  


Third,  many victims of trauma tend to view themselves and others in simple, absolutist, all or nothing terms.  Let go of that all or nothing thinking because it may lead you to see the world in black and white terms, in ways that are extreme and unyielding and make it difficult for you to accept your humanity and that of others.  


Finally, let go of the survival tactics that may have been useful when you were undergoing the trauma, but are no longer useful to you now that the trauma is over, and may, in fact, be hindering you and causing you damage.  For example, stop using anger and rage as a means to avoid feelings of sadness and vulnerable.  Stop blanking out your feelings and let yourself connect with your emotions again so that you can experience yourself as a person.  Learn to make choices and decisions again, instead of standing by passively and allowing things to happen to you that you may not welcome.  


Of course, if you are still in the midst of your traumatic situation, you will still have to exercise the survival tactics you have learned, but at least remain aware of what you are doing so that you will have the capacity to find your way back once the trauma is over.  In many ways, you may never actually be the loving and trusting person you once were, but perhaps you can be richer in personality, greater in your compassion to others, and wiser beyond measure.