SHOULD YOU CHANGE YOUR LAWYER?

Let me see.  Oh.  Here it is.  This is an email I just got from a friend.  It says, "What should I do about the fact that my attorney won't return my phone calls or respond to my emails?" 

That is a good question, actually, and one most of us in high conflict divorce cases would like an answer to.  I've got to say that I have no easy answer to that question at all.  What can you do?  Let me say right now that if your attorney refuses to respond to you, this is a violation of the attorney's professional code of legal ethics. 

That said, who is going to make them obey their own code of ethics?  You?  Don't make me laugh.  Are you going to report them?  Don't waste your time.  Attorneys have a Statewide Grievance Committee and a grievance procedure that is structured to allow them to get away with murder, and they do.  So what else you gonna do?  Stamp your pretty little foot?  Well, that'll have just the same effect.  The best thing I can say is wait around until the lawyer is ready to speak to you and don't pester them too much.

The other option you have is to change your lawyer.  In my case, that was my first thought, so after I'd had five months of working with one lawyer, I switched to another.  I met this second attorney twice and explained to him in no uncertain terms how difficult my case was.  He was very clear about the problems in my case and said certain motions had not been filed that should have been filed and that the previous attorney had been incompetent. The implication was that this new attorney would not make the same mistakes as the first. 

I went on to hire another five attorneys and each one was just as bad as the first.  Still, one thing that was true of each and every attorney was that at the first few meetings they would be eloquent about bad the previous attorneys had been, they would be very clear on what needed to be done, which cheered me up immensely, and they would promise me, practically saluting me like the American flag, hand over heart, that everything from now on would be done properly with their excellent assistance.  Inevitably, however, all of that would unravel and fall apart as soon as I gave them their usually very large retainer. 

Another significant problem that arose as I changed attorneys was the problem that with each change of attorney, the new attorney had to get up to speed by reading the entire file, and as the file got bigger and bigger, keeping up got harder and harder and cost me more and more money.  So I paid a lot of money simply for catch up.  Plus, even though subsequent attorneys may wish to review all the information, it is just too difficult and so there are going to be blind patches where they choose not to make a crucial legal move because they didn't experience the case from the beginning. 

It is also important to keep in mind the attitude the Court has regarding litigants who frequently change attorneys.  After you get rid of the second attorney and are onto the third, you will pretty much end up with a bad reputation as a difficult and uncooperative person, even if it is not deserved.  From then on the opposing attorney will frequently state, both in open court and in motions, that you have repeatedly changed attorneys. 

So, what can you do, you ask? 

I'm not sure.  I had attorneys I had hired walk out on me at the drop of a hat.  As soon as I didn't immediately agree to do as I was told, they were gone--out the door.  One simply walked out of the proceedings with a comment like, "I can't deal with that woman!" 

Attorneys seem to have the attitude that the only reason you are there is to pay their massive bills while they betray you to your enemies big time.  

For those of us escaping abusive marriages, the bad news is that the good majority of attorneys have exactly the same narcissistic, egotistical personalities that your abusive ex husband had and which you were trying to escape.  They order you around, tell you what to do, and totally disrespect you whether you agree to do what they say or not. They take from you every dime you've got, suck you dry financially, and then they spit you out like a raisin. 

So, what's a body supposed to do, particularly when you are as panicked and terrified as you are during a custody and divorce proceeding in family court. 

My best answer is not particularly a good one, but it is the only one I've got.  What I'd say is do your best to work with the ridiculous idiot attorney you have got.  Flatter them, flirt with them, stroke their enormous egos to the max. 

Then, do so much preparation that you could actually conduct the whole case yourself.  That way when he or she tells you to do something wrong, you are well prepared to tell him or her why you can't do it legally speaking. 

Become so well informed that if the Judge ignores your attorney and asks you a question you will be well prepared with a persuasive, well informed response.  Do what you can to be so knowledgeable that you have the ability to guide and direct your attorney where you want to go. But when you can do it in a way that is gentle, respectful, low key, and often humorous. 

Develop a relationship with the idiot attorney so that you are almost friends.  If the attorney seems frustrated, ask him or her what you can do to help them.  Ask them to explain the situation in more detail so that you can get to understand more clearly what is at stake and what needs to happen in order to achieve your goals. Allow them the opportunity to fluff out their feathers and strut a bit before you.  It'll do no end of good.

Never, ever, ever allow your attorney to go to any meetings at any time with the judge, the opposing attorney, with anyone associated with the case without making sure you are present.  Those little meetings are exactly where agreements are made, so don't miss a single one if you want to be included in the agreement making. 

Remember all attorney's are no good and they are incredibly manipulative.  They will lie, lie, lie, and then lie again.  If they ever tell you anything, investigate the issue first before allowing yourself to believe what they've told you.  

Never let them see that you have all sorts of money.  That's like waving crack cocaine in front of an addict.  And don't give them a great big fat assed retainer either!  Give them little sums of money in dribs and drabs and occasionally insert a dry period just to keep them on edge.  Otherwise, you'll be in Court for life. 

Yeah, ok, for those of you who think I'm being to cynical, I'll concede, perhaps somewhere out there is a good attorney who doesn't need all this stuff, but I haven't met him yet.  And until I do, I'm sticking to what I've said here.  Tell me if you find things any different!