WHEN WAS MY LAST APPOINTMENT? BEATS ME!

I went to the dentist's office today for a teeth cleaning which I thought about all day until the appointment time arrived. Why did I think so much about it?  Because I keep on missing these things.  It's part of the whole divorce experience--constantly missing, forgetting, or having to endlessly reschedule appointments I have made for my own medical or dental care. 

Pretty much the first thing to go when you file for divorce are any appointments you have for medical or dental care.  That filing for divorce is probably the starting point for the slow, steady, spiraling downward curve of your physical and dental health, let alone your mental health. 

Five or six years ago when I myself filed, I went to a dentist to have two crowns put on two teeth in my lower jaw.  But because I was already compromised by my ex's constant harassment and bullying, instead of looking carefully for a qualified individual, I ended up at a chain dental service at a local mall. 

The dentist there immediately proceeded to botch the operation by installing two crowns that were much too large in my mouth and then he overcharged me $2,000.00 for the privilege.  When he saw that the crowns were too big, instead of pulling them out and starting over, he took a chisel and sanded down the teeth in the upper jaw. 

I put up with that the first time he did it, but when he wished to chisel the teeth some more on my second visit, I was out of there.  After that I continued to have nothing but trouble from the teeth with the crowns--they caused me ongoing pain and constantly attracted food particles. 

But since I was embroiled in divorce proceedings I wasn't able to get the care that I so desperately needed.  I'd set up an appointment and then miss it because I would end up having a hearing on that day, or else I'd get an emergency call that my ex hadn't shown up and I needed to pick up one of the children, or the GAL was coming to dinner and I was expected to provide a home cooked dinner. And, of course, the bottom line was that even if I did make it to an appointment, I was unlikely to be able to afford the cost. 

Another big reason for missing appointments was that I was so preoccupied with my troubles that I'd plain old forget.  On the scale of things, when considering that I might end up homeless or end up without my children, remembering to go to a dental appointment was the last thing on my mind. 

The same thing applied to my medical issues.  Immediately prior to filing for divorce it turned out that I was in need of major surgery, but since it was for a condition I could keep on limping along with for a while longer, I was always extending that while longer until five years later I still hadn't had the surgery.  I just couldn't conceive of putting myself out of commission for the required three month recovery period when I was still in the middle of negotiations and hearings and meetings, etc. etc. 

So then I gained weight because I wasn't able to exercise, and then my blood pressure climbed because I was on edge constantly, and so one thing led to another and I was simply run down physically. 

Still, finding a way to get to the doctor was very difficult.  To this day, I haven't had medical testing done that is a standard for a person my age.  I kept on missing the appointments for the mammograms, and then for the colonoscopy I kept on misplacing the directions that tell you how to prepare and then I arrived at the facility for the procedure without having done what I was supposed to do. 

In the atmosphere of constant emergencies, constant threat from my ex husband's attorney, the days where I opened my door only to find another marshall there holding another frightening motion, I was much too exhausted to keep track. 

The end result is that in the past five years, I have aged substantially and my health, which was once my best asset, has deteriorated a great deal.  I now consider myself old in a way I never would have before.  All that adrenaline pumping through my system has taken its toll.  I am sure that this divorce has taken years off my life. 

Today when I walked in for my long anticipated dental appointment, the hygienist asked me, "When was your last dental appointment?"  I was stumped.  When had it been? It's bad when you walk into a dentist's office and they ask you when your last appointment for a teeth cleaning was and you simply can't remember. 

For the future, I am going to do what I can to see that doesn't happen again. I am going to make sure I have the surgeries and get those procedures done.  However, I am only able to do so because many years later, even though the litigation continues, I have been able to develop some breathing room within which to take care of myself. 

But it is important to note that the serious consequences of high conflict divorce do not just show themselves financially, they also show themselves medically in the lives of women, such as ourselves, who are called to protect their children and their lives, and often end up doing so at the cost of putting their own health at risk.