One of the most difficult aspects of co-parenting with an abusive X is that every encounter with your X, every phone call, every conversation, is an opportunity for your X to create a problem. The second most difficult aspect is the fact that an abusive X will use the tasks of co-parenting as a means to create chaos--changing his mind, switching schedules around, making plans and then reneging on those plans, and just generally overstepping his boundaries in every way possible. For those of you, and there are many, who know what I am talking about, there is a possible solution. It is a website called: Our Family Wizard and can be accessed at: www.ourfamilywizard.com.
Our Family Wizard is an online website developed by Paul and Dara Volker of Minneapolis, MN who developed it in response to the problems they were having with their exes, so the program evolved from their real life experiences.
The program is primarily geared towards parents and assists them in working together on a variety of custody issues such as developing and coordinating visitation schedules, keeping track of parent time trades and keeping one another informed about the children's after school activities as well as medical and dental care. You can keep up to date health records on the website including immunization histories as well as school information.
Also, parents can email each other on the site through family wizard's secure email system and thereby keep track of their conversations about the children so there won't be any misunderstandings. There is also a section for journaling, so if a parent wants to write reflectively on any particular situations that have arisen, that parent can do so. The children can also maintain their own limited access accounts allowing them to see their schedules, and giving them to opportunity to email or journal as they wish. There are also third party accounts for grandparents, step-parents, and mental health professionals.
Mental health professionals can become involved in the oversight of the accounts and assist in facilitating the process of using the accounts. At the same time, the interactions that have taken place between the parents is all on record so that attorneys, mental health professionals, or a judge can review the record in order to resolve any disputes that arise. An extra benefit is that the account can generate reports to document and summarize what has been going on and to assess whether both parties have been obeying court orders.
If the material is going to end up in court, and you want to get those reports to present to the judge, the attorney's have to send a subpoena to family wizard in order to get official copies. There is a discussion on the website regarding how you go about getting that done.
There is a whole lot more to ourfamilywizard than I can actually document here on this blog, so it would benefit you to take a look at it yourself. Also, I have never had an account there myself, so I am really speaking second hand. I'd really appreciate it if any of you readers who have used family wizard could comment about what it is like.
Some of what I can observe as an outsider are that, as the website states, this computer program should be really helpful in reducing the children's role as messagers between warring parents. Also, it does the job of documenting accurately what has been going on when it comes to a particular custody dispute. It should help avoid confusion and the accusation that a particular dispute is simply a matter of "he said, she said". That should reduce a substantial amount of frustration and annoyance for most of us, as well as reduce potential expensive litigation. Even if you do have to return to court, everything that has gone on in regard to a particular dispute will have been fully documented. As a result, your attorney can feel confident when he or she argues on your behalf because the material is more objective and thus more reliable. Also, if a mental health professional has been involved, the attorney can obtain an assessment of what has been going on from that professional much more quickly, efficiently, and accurately.
The downside of this kind of approach is the fact that you are always on the record when you use the program, everything you say and do on the program can end up in a court of law, and if your X manipulates you into an outburst online, or draws you into a very damaging interaction on the record, you could end up compromising yourself. Only you personally can assess what the odds are of that happening and determine if ourfamilywizard is right for you. My experience has been that I had to have all communications on the record in order to ensure that my X stood by his agreements. And my experience has been that being on the record generally benefits the person who is doing the right things.
The family wizard program is now widely mandated in approximately 44 states around the U.S. as well as in five Canadian provinces, according to their website. Once you sign up for the program, there is help available by phone twelve hours a day Monday through Thursday, for ten hours on Friday, and then solely by email over the weekend. The cost of the program is $99.00 per parent per year and $179.00 per parent for two years. You can also pay on behalf of the other parent if you so choose (ok, ok, try not to laugh!). If you are an attorney, you can buy less expensive memberships in bulk and then make them available to clients for free on your retainer agreement. There is a sliding scale for those in economic need, and there is a 30 day guarantee.
Finally, if you think this approach may be right for you, remember to include a provision requiring it in your custody agreement and once you have that in place restrict all interactions with your X to the family wizard. Otherwise, you pretty much negate much of the purpose of the program.
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