IS LOVE THE ANSWER? THE CHRISTIAN RESPONSE TO HIGH CONFLICT DIVORCE!

I actually dragged myself out of bed this morning and made it to Church.  Then to make the experience extra special, I pulled my kids out of bed and took them along as well.  Just from that you can tell I am really serious about this.  It's my new fall resolution--make it to Church! 

 

When I walk into the Church, they ordinarily give me a bulletin with the order of service and various tidbits about activities for the upcoming week.  Usually, the front of the bulletin has some great religious artwork or a quotation from some renowned Christian thinker. 

 

Today's quotation came from Tim Keller's work, "The Reason For God" and stated the following:  "The pattern of the Cross means that the world's glorification of power, might, and status is exposed and defeated.  On the Cross Christ wins through losing, triumphs through defeat, achieves power through weakness and service, comes to wealth via giving all away.  Jesus Christ turns the values of the world upside down." 

 

I will admit statements like these irritate me so much I sometimes skip Church because they seem to say that our greatest Christian ideal is to be a victim. 

I can recall when I was a child and teenager growing up in an abusive home finding these kinds of peace loving sentiments very difficult to grapple with. Like many helpless young people in tough circumstances, I turned to my faith in Jesus Christ and to the bible for comfort and for guidance.  It was there that I learned that the best response to my family's abuse was submission, love, and nonviolence.  This is an interpretation of what Jesus intended that I have come to be very skeptical of in my later years. 

 

To start with there was the admonition in the fifth commandment to "Honor Thy Father and Mother." 

 

Really, what about when they are beating you up? 

 

Then there are the words of Jesus, "Love your enemies, do good to those who despitefully use you." Mathew 5:44"  And then what about Mathew 5:38-40 where Jesus says "You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also." 

 

That sounds fine, but what about when they slap the right cheek, then the left cheek, and then keep on going--left, right, left, right--until blood starts to flow. 

 

"Those who live by the sword will die by the sword." Mathew 26:52. 

 

Seriously? 

 

I want to tell you that I love God and find more inspiration in his Word than in any other document that I read.  It is very hard for me to restrict myself to the scripture reading in Church services.  Inevitably if I pick up the bible to read along with the lectionary, I end up continuing to read on and then I often find connections elsewhere in the bible to the point where I often end up missing half the sermon.

 

However, these comments about not resisting your enemies I tend to leave behind on the doorstep of faith along with other dubious bible verses like the ones about handling snakes, see Mark 16-18. 

 

Now, I am not the kind of person who likes to cherry pick through the bible and only hold up as truly the Word of God those sections that I believe in while disparaging the rest.  If the bible says it, I believe it.  This has always been my position. 

 

Where I do question is where I find context--in other words, what do you do when a statement in one part of the bible appears to contradict what it says in another part of the bible.  How do you deal with that when it happens?  How do you interpret what God wants you to do in the light of the gospel in its entirety. 

 

Where this applies in regard to the question of loving your enemies is, how do you understand that concept in the light of Jesus' actions in overturning the moneylender's tables, and driving them out of the temple, see Mathew 21:12?

 

What about Jesus' comments "Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces." (Matthew 7:6). 

 

From my perspective, what Jesus is trying to say when he talks about turning the other cheek is that there is no need to respond to every provocation with an aggressive reaction.  There could be a reason why a person is attacking you, and if you show self control and ask first what is going on, that kind of wise self restraint could avoid an unnecessary and avoidable confrontation.  What this means is that you give the aggressor the benefit of the doubt and you give him or her second, and third chances, if not more, depending on your sense of things, to do better. 

What Jesus is pointing out to us by cautioning us to go the extra mile with an aggressor is that sometimes people are mean, vicious, and violent, not because that is who they are, but because something terrible has happened and they need your help in solving their problems.  If you can avoid responding in kind in circumstances like this, and instead reach out the hand of friendship and support, the result can often be the formation of strong and enduring friendships with people who once considered themselves your worst enemy. 

It seems to me that a nonviolent response to my enemies only has a chance of working when there is the seed of redemption in those individuals.  If there is the least possibility that a peaceable response to the actions of evil people will lead to a good result, despite the many risks such a response entails, certainly I think any Christian has the obligation to try. 

 

What are you relying on?  You are relying on God, first of all.  But also you are relying upon the possibility that your enemy has some shred of conscience which will begin to take root and that your loving response will change that person's behavior for the good.  It is a risk, but a calculated risk, that requires self restraint, patience, and understanding to evoke and nurture the potential for good that lies within so many of our enemies. 

 

Gandhi relied upon the inherent decency within British culture to transform his nonviolent campaign for Indian Independence into the driving force that it became.  I can say the same for Martin Luther King, Jr. and the Civil Rights Movement in America.  He relied upon the appeal to our better natures.

 

On the other hand, I always will say that Dr. King and Malcolm X leveraged that change together.  In the Civil Rights Movement it wasn't so much a question of the decency fundamental to the American Conscience, it was the choice Martin Luther King, Jr. presented to our government--you can either accept our offer of peaceful change or face the threat of violence Malcolm X posed when he said that African-Americans needed to defend themselves "by any means possible", confronting our government with the prospect of blood in the streets. 

 

But what should you do when your enemies do not have the capacity for good in them and have demonstrated repeatedly that your loving response only provides them with more ammunition with which to attack you, let alone others?   

 

For example, my family members who harmed me continued to harm me throughout my life even up to the present, and some continue to attack me even now.  The loving response I had to their actions, the fact that I continued to love them, that I did good to them, that I turned the other cheek, that I gave them of my stores of kindness only gave them the ability to continue on with what they were doing for a longer period of time, to hide behind the denial, and then later turn around and accuse me of being crazy when, as an adult, I began to speak out about what they had done. 

 

If I could go back to my teenage years to give advice to the young girl that I once was, I would say I don't care what you mistakenly think Jesus meant, you need to speak up, you need to report your family to the authorities, you need to leave home and go to the police, you need to speak to school authorities and stop the violence against you. 

 

Further, I would say to my old self, you do not have to tolerate abuse, and Jesus would never expect you to. Allowing abusers to abuse is not love.  You show love to your abusers, the most Christian form of love there is, when you speak out and expose them.  Otherwise, they will just continue down the path of committing greater and greater wrongdoing. 

 

If there is one thing advocates in domestic violence have observed most clearly about abusers it is that the more they are allowed to torture and harm others, the more their destructive behavior escalates. Thus in high conflict divorce, in our custody battles, if  we as protective mothers had approached our cases with "weakness and service" none of us would have custody of our children let alone a roof over our heads. And without some form of wealth to pay legal fees and expert witnesses, we'd be nowhere.  

 

If your child is being sexually abused in your divorce, are you truly going to give up and agree to defeat rather than protect your child?  Is that what God wants?  I don't think so.  I'm not terribly invested in "power, might, and status" but if it will prevent my ex husband from abusing me any further, I will certainly fight for it and use whatever I have of it to protect myself and those I love. 

 

Failing to act in self defense, failing to speak up for ourselves, that adds up, in my view, to casting your pearls before swine, and who gave you pearls?  God gave you pearls. So if you choose to take those gifts you have--your children, your body, your hope for the future--and fail to protect it, that is like taking the gifts God has given to you and disrespecting them.  I cannot believe that this is what God wishes for any one of us. 

 

Jesus said in Mathew 5-25-26 "Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny." 

This is really solid advice, and I always tell people whenever possible try mediation, try to find solutions outside of court, work towards agreement whenever possible.  Don't insist on provisions that are simply a matter of pride because pride doesn't bring up children or pay the bills.  I will also tell people to focus on what the provisions will actually give you.  For example, I was once quibbling over whether or not my ex got the Monday vacations in our agreement.  Then my father pointed out that even if my ex had those 5 or 6 Monday vacations, I still had residential custody of the children, so why was I making a big point about a few extra days.  Is it your rights that matter, or what you actually got.  This is where love matters, where Christ calls you to dig into your capacity to be magnanimous and to be gracious so that you do what is right.

 

However, with abusers, they will never compromise, and they will never work with you.  If you try to be gracious and magnanimous we are even more likely to be handed over to the judge, to the officer, thrown in prison and bankrupted. If we don't fight back it wouldn't just be many of us going down that route; it would be all of us--100%.  Because ultimately that is what these perpetrators want; they want our complete destruction.  I can still remember my ex chortling and crowing over our impending divorce with his sister, celebrating the fact that he planned on getting sole custody of the children and throwing me out on the street penniless.  If he could have done that because I didn't fight back, he would have.

 

So what is the Christian response to the high conflict divorces we find ourselves in?  We must fight back with every resource in our possession.  At the same time, however, we must maintain our focus on Christ, our Savior, and be guided in all things related to our divorce by His guidance and wisdom. 

 

In Al-Anon (the family and friends organization associated with A.A.) I often heard the caution, that I should be careful not to become a monster by fighting monsters.

 

It is important to speak out about the truth.  It is important to protect our children from harm.  It is important to protect ourselves from harm.  It is important to make sure we have the financial resources necessary to care for ourselves and our children.   It is important to establish the kind of clearly delineated boundaries that are essential to keep us protected from abuse. 

 

However, it is not necessary to indulge in gratuitous cruelty.  It is not necessary to be deliberately provocative.  It is not necessary to humiliate or degrade others, and it is not necessary to destroy the abusers the same way they sought to destroy us. 

 

If you are getting the worst of it in court, if your reputation is being destroyed, and you are under attack, you can hold your head high, you can be strong and you can be courageous, because God loves and supports you and every action you take to fight for your rights; God sees, understands, and upholds you.  Never forget Mathew 5:11-12 at the end of the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus says, "Blessed are you when  people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.  Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you." 

 

Christian love is not all about being a wuss.  I am always a little turned off by the phrase "Gentle Jesus meek and mild." 

 

Seriously? 

 

Do you want to know all the many times in the gospel where Jesus confronted people, where he was verbally aggressive, where he demanded answers, where he challenged people to do what is right, not what is convenient, where he threatened people with hell. 

 

Think of all the times where Jesus ripped the masks of pretense off the faces of his disciples or those who came to him with questions. 

 

Mathew 10:34, "I did not come to bring peace, but a sword." 

 

Christian love does not consist of telling lies and pretending everything is fine.  Jesus never meant for us to act like doormats and live on our knees.  That's hardly a victorious life in Christ. 

Christians have a long tradition of speaking up and stating what they believe no matter what the cost.  For example, there is George Fox, the founder of the Quaker religion who stood before Judge Bennett and told him to "tremble at the Word of the Lord."  After posting his 95 theses on the door of the All Saints Church at Wittenberg, Martin Luther is credited with saying, "Here I stand.  I can do no other, God help me. Amen."  And there is Hugh Latimer who in his final moments when he was burned at the stake turned to his friend Nicholas Ridley and said, "Be of good comfort, Mr. Ridley, and play the man! We shall this day light such a candle by God's grace, in England, as I trust never shall be put out."

 

Christian love is telling the truth.  When we fight for ourselves and for our families, when we confront the abuser and do our best to hold him accountable, we are following a path that Jesus walked before us and calls us to follow. 

 

Christian love is loving ourselves as we fight abuse and defend our children. 

 

Christian love is in fighting the abuser and continuing to confront him with the truth. 

 

We cannot surrender.  We cannot go meekly to the slaughter.  On the contrary, I believe the truly Christian response to the problem of high conflict divorce is having the courage, through God's grace, to fight back and defend ourselves and our children.  There is no greater love than that.