If you are a woman and you are reading this blog, you have very likely been in therapy. After all, therapy is what we women generally do, not just because we are a traditionally oppressed group and oppression generates depression, but also because we like to grow and change and fulfill our potentials and spend a lot of time talking about it while we are at it. The down side is that anyone who is or has been in therapy very likely has a diagnosis of one kind or another and that can be a problem during a high conflict divorce.
The fact that you are or have been in therapy and have a diagnosis can often be used against you, particularly during a custody dispute. It gets even more difficult if you have a diagnosis such as bipolar, schizophrenia, or borderline personality disorder--the latter is often described as "the diagnosis from hell" because therapists hate to work with patients who have it because it is often difficult, though by no means impossible, to treat.
If you are a mental health client, your ex may attempt to take custody of your children from you or attempt to prevent you from seeing them at all. Let me say right away, as a mental health consumer you have the constitutional right to parent your children just the same as everyone else. You cannot be automatically denied custody or access to your children based upon the fact that you have a mental health diagnosis. There has to be due process and there has to be a careful consideration of the circumstances.
If you have a mental health diagnosis and your ex brings up your diagnosis in order to take your children from you this is what you can do:
1. Don't panic. Just because the issue of your mental health has come up, you still have rights. You are a good mother and, if you do the right things, you will be able to prove it. Now is the time to project an image of calm, confidence, and maturity. Practice this every day in front of the mirror. I know many people with mental health diagnoses, with biopolar disorder, etc. who still ended up with the custody of their children at the end of a high conflict divorce. If you play your cards right, it will work out just fine for you as well;
2. Make sure that, at this time, you have a good relationship with your therapist. Now is not the time to point out any areas of dissatisfaction you have with his or her work with you. Make sure that you are cooperating fully with your treatment program, particularly in regard to complying with any medication you are required to take. Now is not the time to see if you would do better without medication, and now is not the time to verbalize any intention you might have in the future to stop taking your medication;
3. Because of stigma, in a high conflict divorce where a mom has a mental health diagnosis, lawyers and mental health professionals often seek to make character the basis of the discussion regarding custody. It is your job to switch the conversation from the issue of character to the question of who is doing the job of parenting.
When you meet with the custody evaluator, point out to him or her who changes the children's diapers, who feeds them breakfast, lunch and dinner, who picks out their clothing and makes sure they are dressed properly, who takes them to medical and dental appointments, who meets with their teachers and mental health counselors, who helps them with their homework, who comforts them when they fall and hurt their knees, who gets them off the bus, and who puts them to bed at night, etc. If you are like me, 90 percent of the time mom is the one who does these things.
Also, if you are doing most of the parenting, the next question is, are the children ok or what is known as "good enough". If you did most of the parenting, and they are OK, then it is probably because of what you did, and if what you did led to "good enough" results, you must be "good enough" to remain as the custodial parent.
So every time a lawyer or a mental health professional wants to talk about custody in the light of character, i.e., "mother is inflexible" or something of that nature, you need to keep everyone's attention on, "mother does most of the job of parenting, does the following jobs which constitute parenting, and the kids are OK."
Keep on directing the conversation towards what are you doing, rather than wallowing around in vague judgmental assessments of who you are as a person which are hardly relevant.
Also, what do we mean by OK. Do we mean perfection? No. We mean the kids are getting to school most of the time, they are dressed well most of the time, they are clean and well fed most of the time, they are well behaved most of the time.
If you try really hard and still don't get custody, this is not the end of the world. You still have the right to see your children regularly on weekends and during the week, and I would take full advantage of that. If things end up worse and you have supervised visitation, still take advantage of it.
In everything you do and everything you say, remain calm and confident and reasonable. Make THEM feel bad. Make THEM doubt their reality, when they see the strength and dignity you show under the most difficult of circumstances.
Ultimately, your children will grow older, they will understand your dilemma and they will have respect for your struggle. But it will be hard for them to do so if you let yourself fall apart.
Also, remember, a custody evaluation is only current for a single year. After that you can request another evaluation, or request changes and improvements in your custody agreement based upon an additional period of time in which you have continued to show how outstanding you are as a parent. Custody is the one area of divorce law where there are ongoing opportunities for changes and improvements, so never lose hope.
Also, remember stigma is alive and well, so if you have to fight a custody battle because of a mental health diagnosis, this is nothing to be ashamed of. It's not personal. It has nothing to do with you. It's just the territory. It's just like being black in the pre Dr. Martin Luther King south. It has nothing to do with your value as a human being. Keep on fighting and keep on standing up for yourself and remember that within the context of the history of the oppression of people with mental health diagnoses, your struggle is meaningful and you ARE making a difference both for yourself and others.
